Loneliness: Part of the Game Plan

By Tim Alan Gardner

Lonely.

What comes to mind when you hear that word? It doesn't usually conjure up a picture of a stadium with several thousand cheering fans. However, as a counselor, I find that the vast array of emotional responses to the idea of loneliness are as varied as responses to "How do you feel about the Chicago Cubs?" There are, of course, people who couldn't care less about the Cubs, others who are closet-fans (these admit their preference only if the team is winning), and then there are fans. It doesn't matter that it's been almost 100 years since the Cubs won the World Series; they believe that next year will be theiryear.

Regardless of your feelings about the Cubs (or even baseball for that matter), every person falls somewhere on that spectrum. In a far more serious vein, everyone falls somewhere on the continuum of loneliness as well.

Perhaps the idea of being lonely sounds absurd to you. You're surrounded by people everywhere you go. You're married, have kids, and are meaningfully involved your church or small group. Not only do you never see yourself as lonely; you're more likely to be longing for time alone! My friend Blake jokingly put it this way: "I have all the friends I can manage. If I added you, I'd have to get rid of someone else."

Then there are those of you who know well the pain of loneliness, but would never admit it. Telling someone that you feel lonely would make you look like a loser or a weakling. The path you choose to escape the pain of relationship emptiness could range from workaholism to a variety of escapes and even addictions. It could be overindulgence in TV, web-surfing, Internet chat rooms, sports, alcohol, etc. If others express that they are lonely, you may admit to it also—say, in a Bible study, when it feels more like rooting for the winning team with everyone else. But for the most part, you suffer in shame and silence, with that vague, dull hope that maybe "this year" will be a good season.

And then there are those of you who are lonely, know it, and don't care who else finds out. You've "been there, done that, and got the T-shirt." You're desperately seeking a remedy for the ache and will tenaciously track any path that promises an end to your loneliness: changing jobs, churches, or friends; attending any workshop, class, or retreat; joining any group, dating service, or club. In the end, however, your hopes for a cure to the pain seem about as likely as, well, this finally being the Cubs' year.

Those of you who fall into the first or second category may be thinking this article is really just for that third group of individuals. But here's the news: loneliness is a universal dilemma. Whether you're attuned to it or not, it's everyone's problem. Barbara Streisand was wrong—people who need people are not "the luckiest people in the world"; they're the only people in the world.

In the Beginning

You may recall from the Creation story the first "not good" that God uttered: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him" (Genesis 2:18 NLT). Up to this point, everything God had fashioned was "good," but now, as Adam stood by himself in the Garden, the Creator pointed out that something was missing. Loneliness was present. Before we move on to the answer that He provided, there's an important question here that often gets overlooked: Who created loneliness?

God did.

Think about it: Adam was in the perfect Garden of Eden. Sin still hadn't entered the human race; the first human being had perfect fellowship with God—he could walk and talk with his Creator in paradise. Yet he was lonely. It was at this point that Eve, the Woman, was created to complement Adam, the Man. God's response to the problem of loneliness wasn't that Adam needed to pray more, have more frequent devotions, or give more money to the local church—all important things, but not the answer here. By His own design, God's solution was, amazingly, outside Himself in the form of another person.

If you aren't married and want to be, you might be reading this and immediately jump to the conclusion that marriage is the answer to your struggle with loneliness. But the truth is that if you're married and are looking to your spouse to fulfill all your emotional needs, you'll still be lonely. There's a deeper truth in this opening chapter of the human race's story: Adam and Eve show us our God-formed need to have other human beings with whom we can experience deep, soul-touching, authentic relationship.

Ever since the Garden of Eden, the cry of the human heart has always been this: to know and be known and to love and be loved. We want people to truly know us and love us for who we are. And we long to have someone we can know deeply (warts and all)—someone to whom we can offer the divine gift of choosing to love.

The Quest for Intimacy

Do you have genuine relationships with others who really know you? Or have you settled for pseudo-authenticity, finding safety in relationships where you spend lots of time together but know only surface details of each other's lives?

One sad reality of our current cultural landscape is that many people know more life details about the characters on their favorite TV show than about their neighbors or possibly even the individuals they live with. The illusion is subtle yet powerful: we think that if we know personal details about someone else's life, he or she must know us as well. So, wanting to know more about others—whether talented athletes or fascinating actors—we devour talk shows, magazines, and other media, and think we're experiencing intimacy. One of the great lies of pornography is the illusion that the person posing or performing is doing so just for the spectator viewing the photo or film. Even though this immoral pastime is such an extreme violation of God's desire for our lives, many people pulled into this trap think they're experiencing a sense of intimacy—however false it may be—which is what their heart is longing for.

Don't miss that word: false intimacy. Our Creator designed our hearts and souls to long for true intimacy, not just with Him, but with other people. But genuine intimacy is a two-way street—to know and be known; to love and be loved. Distractions and superficial interaction only temporarily give us the illusion of a meaningful life or even an escape from pain. But our deepest desires can never be nourished by things that lack the power to satisfy fully.

A Complete Plan

Contrary to the "you complete me" mantra of romance novels and movies, before you can truly forge a strong, intimate relationship with another person, you must find your wholeness in God. The apostle Paul writes, "For in Him (Jesus) all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete" (Colossians 2:9-10). God didn't design us to need other people in order to be whole. Our wholeness, purpose in life, and salvation—as well as our deepest questions of Who am I? and Why am I here?—are answered in Christ and Christ alone. Then, out of our completeness in Him, we can experience intimacy with others because, from a position of strength in Christ, we are able to give love and acceptance. As God makes us whole, we become capable of offering to others what the world so desperately desires: true, authentic love.

In knowing and being known and in loving and being loved, you and I can literally change the world. We are surrounded by lonely people who are dying to be known, even if they realize that God already knows everything about them and loves them. By giving the gift of authentic relationship, we can, as God's messengers, provide healing and life to others as well as to ourselves.

Consider this: it's hardly by accident that the strongest longings of our heart find fulfillment in living out what Jesus called the greatest of God's laws: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:37-40 NIV).

Now that's something to stand up and cheer about.
The Naked Soul by Tim Alan Gardner