Finding Your Two
by Craig Groeschel, excerpted from Going All the Way: Preparing for a Marriage that Goes the Distance
October 17, 2007

Does God's plan include only one particular perfect mate for everyone? You know, like in Napoleon Dynamite, when Kip found his one true love?

Kip, Napoleon's scrawnier, geekier brother, never abandoned the dream of finding his soooooouuul mate. Finally all his "chatting with babes online" paid off. Praise God for La-Fawnduh!

But back to the question:

Does God have one special person for you? Or could God have several people in mind—any of whom could be great for you?

In my heart, I want to believe the romantic answer: "Before I was born, God created Amy just for me. We met. We married. Now we're living our happily ever after." It sounds great. But I don't believe that's how God works.

Look at it this way. Do you think God puts the pressure of tracking down that one specific, "right" individual on you? And if you miss the right one, too bad—you can only choose a wrong one now. What if you marry the wrong person? You'd blow the whole system. With one "wrong" marriage, hundreds, thousands, millions … even billions of lives could be thrown into a tailspin.

Let's say God has planned for you to bump into your special someone tomorrow, while shopping for Double Stuf Oreo cookies. This is your chance. God's been planning this divine meeting since long before you were born. Everything is perfectly in place. Your future spouse is scheduled by God to be at the same store, at the same time, shopping on the same aisle.

You wake feeling especially close to God. You dress in your best grocery-shopping outfit and head for the local mega food store. Walking past the cereal toward the cookies, you see someone. Wow! Could this be … ?

You come closer. Your eyes meet. You're about to speak. Your voice freezes. You panic. You choke. The moment passes. And so does the other person.

Nooooo! (This is the frustrated, fist-shaking, movie-hero-who-lets-the-bad-guy-get-away kind of "no.")

Disappointed that you didn't have the guts to speak, you grab your Double Stuf Oreo cookies and sulk to the checkout lanes. And in heaven God frowns and thinks, Good grief. I had everything set up…and you blew it! Now you're destined to get fat eating Oreos all alone.

THE SECRET FORMULA
I lived in fear of a similar scenario. Would I make a mistake and miss an opportunity that could guarantee my future marriage? What if I missed God's moment?

Once, when I was single, I saw an attractive girl at a mall, ice-skating gracefully to Christian music. For some reason I began to wonder if she was going to be my future wife. Finally, scared I'd miss my chance, I flagged her down. When she had glided over to the side of the rink, I asked her if she'd go to church with me. Instead, she invited me to do something to myself that I can't print in this book.

Yeah, she wasn't the one.

Fears like this are reinforced by the good-intentioned yet bad advice that floats around in the Christian community. And this advice, this "one and done" mentality about your Two, can actually keep you from having a marriage that goes all the way.

Many devoted Christ followers sincerely believe that no matter what they do or don't do, God will bring them mates. It's the "Magneto-Mate." Somehow "we'll just be drawn together." (That's like some misled believers who say, "I don't have to work. God will provide for me.") These ill-informed believers don't make any effort. Many don't go to places where other believers might be, and they don't try to improve their relational skills. Some don't even take care of their appearance. They just sit around waiting … hoping … trusting God for a mate but never taking a single step in that direction.

Others are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of waiting passively, they adopt a formula mentality: If I do a + b, God will deliver c. Many believe, If I do everything juuuust right, God is obligated to bring me a mate. Sincerely desiring to spend their lives with another, these believers religiously engage in daily devotions, rarely miss church, faithfully tithe, and remain sexually pure, hoping to get some leverage on God from their good works. If they dot every spiritual i and cross every relational t, then surely God has to produce Mr. or Miss Right. (Sure, these disciplines are important, but we can't reduce God to a cosmic Coke machine—push the right button and you get what you want.)

Personally, I've come to a couple of conclusions:
1. There may be several potential spouses with whom you could truly go all the way to God's best.
2. God wants you to do your part. Ever hear of free will? It's your life, after all—a loving gift from him.

While these conclusions may crush some romantic dreams, they should also remove some of the pressure—even if you miss an opportunity for a relationship, God can provide another. One teacher said, "God presents qualified candidates, and you choose."

The Bible is full of examples of different ways couples met and married. Parents chose for their kids. God used a servant who went searching. Even after mistakes, God gave people second chances at relationships. These examples encourage me. When it comes to meeting your mate, there is no set formula.

But here's what we can say with certainty. God deeply values marriage. He loves you more than you can comprehend. And he's big enough to direct you toward a holy and awesome marriage. Philosophizing about decision making and the will of God can only go so far. At some point you simply have to move forward and trust him.

So how do you choose a future life partner? What's the best way to search? And when you think you may have found him or her, how can you be sure?

TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE
Many capable authors have written books with different twists on dating. Joshua Harris wrote a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. His bestseller was followed by Jeramy Clark's I Gave Dating a Chance. The tension between different philosophies raises questions like: Should I date or not? Is courting better? (And what exactly is "courting"? If you don't know and you're a girl, read Pride and Prejudice. If you're a guy, skip the movie and watch Ultimate Fighting.)

I was fifteen and a half with my driver's permit when I was allowed to date a sixteen-year-old girl. Which, in my case, quickly led to trouble—my first "parking" ticket. I can still hear the cop's knuckles rapping on the car window. Pretty humiliating.

Dating has changed a lot over the years. The kids who are dating seem to get younger and younger, and they seem to be going farther and farther together physically. We've come a long way since the days when a young man would get on his horse and come calling on a young lady and then sit conversing with her and her family in the drawing room. Hey, we've even come a long way from my fifteen-year-old "parking" incident. Things sure have changed. But most of these changes aren't making our lives better.

You might think I'm going to build a case against "car dating"… or any dating. I'm not. Instead, I'm going to offer thoughts to help you find your spouse in a careful, God-honoring way, whether you date or not.

GUARANTEED GRIEF
First, before you even think about any kind of close relationship, let's define one type of person you don't want to pursue— ever. If you're a follower of Christ, under no circumstances should you date a nonbeliever. To do so is to risk setting yourself and the other person up for unnecessary disappointment, maybe worse.

In case you're already arguing with me in your mind, let me take it even further. If the object of your affection isn't a believer, it doesn't matter if he's super cute or if she can sing, if he makes big bucks or if you both like U2, if she was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or if he makes Brad Pitt look ugly. Don't date a nonbeliever!

The most important criterion for a marriage candidate is a commitment to Christ. Jesus said in Luke 11:17, "A house divided against itself will fall." When I hear the word division, I think "two visions." Whenever a Christ follower marries someone who doesn't have a commitment to Christ, the believer is trying to build an already-divided house. Certainly this isn't the only way divergent visions can compromise a marriage union, but it's one of the most important.

If you set two builders to work on a house from opposite sides with two different sets of blueprints, the house wouldn't stand. The builders need to put their heads together, uniting their vision for the house. To go all the way, you must be united in partnership under Christ.

Some single Christians argue with me: "Do I really have to marry a Christian? I mean, I know this person who's so cute … and nice. And saying I can only date Christians just makes it so much harder to find someone."

My reply is always the same. "No, you don't have to marry a Christian. Unless you want to be happy, fulfilled, and blessed by God. If that doesn't matter to you, marry anyone you want."

I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to believers who break down, deeply expressing their heartache over being married to nonbelievers. Just this week I talked with a married mother of two. She explained how kind and moral her husband is. She's grateful for his faithfulness, stability, and provision for their family. But she's spiritually isolated and alone, unable to share her greatest treasure with her husband—her relationship with Jesus.

This is a mild example of maritally mismatched misery. The more extreme examples often include unfaithfulness, betrayal, fighting, discord, abuse, deceit, and divorce. Some believer-nonbeliever marriages may seem to work, but I'd never recommend one. The odds are simply stacked against you.

Narrow minded? Yes, very much so. In the same way, Jesus asks us to travel the narrow road (see Matthew 7:13–14), God's standard for relationships dramatically limits the field. Where does the narrow road lead? To life. How about the broad road, on which most travel? To destruction. The same is true with marriage. God has a narrow plan that works. But few people follow it.

Remember, we're doing something different. We refuse to be normal. We crave something distinctive—a marriage that goes all the way. So as Christ followers, we simply choose not to date or marry nonbelievers. It's not because non-Christians can't be admirable or moral people, but because ultimately they'll have different inner lives. Different values. A different vision for what life means at its core.

More to the point, look at what the apostle Paul once wrote to a group of believers who were having serious relationship problems. He said, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . … What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6:14–15).

If you're like me, you're probably wondering what on earth that means. A yoke is a farming device used a long time ago that rested across the shoulders and necks of two beasts of burden, joining them so they could work together, to plow a field, for example. That's no yoke. (Ugh!) Paul was actually referring to an Old Testament teaching: "Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together" (Deuteronomy 22:10). A donkey and an ox are different sizes; the yoke would pull down painfully on the ox's neck and up on the donkey's. Also, they travel at different paces; one would continuously drag the other along. To yoke them together would be cruel to both.

The same is true when a believer and a nonbeliever are yoked—or joined—together. At first everything may seem fine. Over time, though, the fundamental differences in life values and vision will start to tear the relationship. It'll become impossible to keep in step with each other.

More than once I've refused to perform a wedding because one was not a Christ follower. Inevitably, both walk away angry with me. For example, years ago I decided not to officiate the marriage ceremony of a couple I'll call Keisha and Robert. Keisha had served God her whole life but wanted to marry a guy who hadn't. She told me how great he was … kind and considerate, with better morals than many Christians. He even agreed to attend church with her weekly. She was right. This guy was great.

But he didn't follow Christ.

When I refused to marry them (recommending they not marry at all), they got married at the courthouse. Keisha later explained how everything was great the first few months. But slowly they began to notice what appeared to be minor differences. Keisha wanted to tithe; Robert wouldn't dream of giving away 10 percent of what they made. After having their first and only child—a boy—Keisha wanted him in a Christian school. Robert insisted that public schools were just as good.

Although neither had committed any gross sins, their marriage was slowly tearing apart at the seams. They were simply two people with two different sets of beliefs.

Through tears, Keisha told me how moral Robert was. And good to their child. But the small differences became big. Constant fights about money. Repeated verbal jabs. Daily child-raising disagreements. Diverging visions about what really matters in life …

One day Robert told Keisha politely but firmly, "We're just not a good match. It's nothing personal, but we just have different goals." And he went his way. He's still involved in his son's life. He faithfully pays child support. He's civil to Keisha. But they're divorced. And Keisha is devastated.

Now Keisha's left asking, "Why didn't I follow God's Word?"

God's command is clear: don't be yoked together with unbelievers. Either we believe God or we don't.

GETTING FRIENDLY
Maybe you're dating a believer, but you know there's no possibility of marriage. Yes, the spiritual connection with Christ is the first and most important priority in choosing your spouse. But don't underestimate other valuable qualities. For example, chemistry is incredibly important and not at all unspiritual. Sharing common interests always helps.

Even if the person is a committed believer, be honest with yourself. You might not be attracted. Or your personalities aren't clicking. Perhaps you just have a distinct feeling in your gut—you like this person, but it'd be wrong to marry. Then don't string him along—for a movie, a meal, or to pass the time. Don't keep her around because she makes you look better or proves what a "man" you are. Honor every believer as a brother or sister in Christ. Don't use someone because he or she simply meets a need or feeds your ego. Love him or her enough to not mislead.

As a young guy, letting go of "this shouldn't be happening" relationships was a struggle for me. I'd occasionally allow friendships with girls to get too close. I knew deep down I shouldn't spend so much time with girls who were only friends. I suspected they liked me, and I allowed things to continue, inadvertently leading them on because I enjoyed their company. That was selfish and wrong.

Maybe you have a friendship with someone who falls into this category. You enjoy hanging out together, and you're "just friends." But you can tell the other person wants more. If you know you'll never marry this person, I'd strongly encourage you to limit how much time you hang out. As innocent as your friendship may seem, more often than not one or both people will become confused. It's certainly not wrong to have opposite-sex friends, but be wise.

WAIT FOR YOUR LAFAWNDUH
So you've found the One. Now you're hoping for your Two. Exploring different friendships can be exhilarating, educational, and a total blast. Whatever you do, don't get in a rush. And don't sell out.

Suppose you go to the pound to adopt a dog. You see a nice mixed breed and decide to pet its head (somehow you fail to notice the foaming mouth). If the dog bites your hand and sends you to the emergency room with rabies, would you adopt it as your own personal Cujo? I doubt it.

If you wouldn't bring home the dog with the foaming mouth, why would you return to the wrong marriage material? Or bring home a threat to your dream?

You're better than that. Jesus loves you. He's your One. And he will lead you to your Two. Don't settle for a third runner-up, fourteenth place, or the last-place straggler you have pity on.

Remember Kip? He could have easily done what many do: settled for a shortsighted and self-centered, "this one will do" kind of relationship. Don't do it. It may be tempting, but God has something better for you.

Excerpted from Going All the Way © 2007 by Craig Groeschel. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without prior written consent