Without Joy

i find this portion of the book so true... i had to drink it in slowly... and retype it here... It is true that somehow, when one do so much for God, surely you expect some form of reward, some form of praise, some form of recognition. However, sadly, that is not true all the time. As i reflect thru what i had done, (or not done) in my life, i realised i am indeed more like the elder son when it comes to ministries... somehow, other workers gained more respect (and gifts as well) than i do... i mean other people get send-offs and what-nots when i have none.... and it is not as though i am an armchair cgl or something( unlike some other cgls who only leadership trait is to diseminate and inform (simpler terms:shoot arrows)... or talk only no action cgls); my pt is i did my work! and i put my heart into it... but sadly, nothing rewarding come out of it... why? isnt the joy of the Lord is enough? what is the true motivation in christian service? does servant-hood really means not expecting anything in return? literally a maid in the house of God? i afraid it is true... it is only human to think this way... i think... the poison pill of comparison and jealousy surely sets in somewhere in the heart...

from a 'third-party' correct pt. of view... it simply goes to show that someone like me is serving out of the joy of serving people, but missed out on the joy of serving God. What this person truly longs for is acceptance in people AND not the LORD. it is a trap one simply walk into... this is perhaps a danger-zone in service.

contrary, if a leader goes into a grp, and behaves exactly on a employer-employee basis, i afraid to say that grp would not go far either... there is no real relationship, no real authenticity. A leader's acceptance and popularity can be seen in how much the group actually pays attention to his welfare etc. THIS IS NOT AN ABUSE OF AUTHORITY situation. But i simply want to highlight... it goes to show something 'not very right' within the grp itself...

Then of cos, christian service, we operate by grace... so that kinda covers everything... at the end of the day, whatever wrongs and mistakes- God will take care of it. And God does give graciously to all his servants- maybe only in ways that one never suspect....

anyway, God is good... he send an iPod on my commencement... haha... it cant get better than that?

from The Return of The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
pg. 74, The Elder Son Leaves...

When i listen carefully to the words with which the elder son attacks his father - self-righteous, self pity , jealous words- i hear a deeper complaint. It is the complaint that come from a heart that feels it never received what it was due. It is the complaint expressed in countless subtle and not-so-subtle ways, forming a bedrock of human resentment. It is the complaint that cries out:"i tried so hard, worked so long, did so much, ad still i have not received what others get so easily. Why do people not thank me, not invite me, not play with me, not honor me, while they pay so much attention to those who take life so easily and so casually?"

It is in this spoken or unspoken complaint that i recognize the elder son in me. Often i catch myself complaining about little rejections, little impoliteness, little negligence. Time and again i discover within me that murmuring, whining, grumbling, lamenting and griping that go on and on even against my will. The more i dwell on the matters in question, the worse my state becomes. The more i analyze it, the more reason i see for complaint. And the more deeply i enter it, the more complicated it gets. There is an enormous, dark drawing power to this inner complaint. Condemnation of others and self-condemnation, self-righteousness and self-rejection keep reinforcing each other in an ever more vicious way. Every time i allow myself to be seduced by it, it spins me down in an endless spiral of self-rejection. As i let myself be drawn into the vast interior labyrinth of my complaints, i become more and more lost until, in the end, i feel myself to be the most misunderstood, rejected , neglected and despised person in the world.

Of one thing i am sure. Complaining is self-perpetuating and counterproductive. Whenever i express my complaints in the hope of evoking pity and receiving the satisfaction i so much desire, the result is always the opposite of what i tried to get. A complainer is hard to live with, and few people know how to respond to the complaints made by a self-rejecting person. The tragedy is that , often, the complaint, once expressed, leads to that which is feared: further rejection.

From this perspective, the elder son's inability to share in the joy of his father becomes quite understandable. When he came home from the fields, he heard music and dancing. He knew there was joy in the household. Immediately, he became suspicious. Once the self-rejecting complaint has formed in us, we lose our spontaneity to the extent that even joy can no longer evoke joy in us.

The story says:"Calling one of the servants, he asked what is was all about." There is the fear that i am excluded again , that someone didnt tell me what was going on, that i was kept out of things. THe complaint resurges immediately:"why was i not informed, what is this all about?" The unsuspecting servant, full of excitement and eager to share the good news, explains:" Your brother has come, and your father has killed the calf we had been fattening because he has got him back safe and sound." But this shout of joy cannot be received. Instead of relief and gratitude, the servant's joy summons up the opposite:"He was angry then and refused to go in." Joy and resentment cannot coexist. The music and dancing, instead of inviting to joy, become a cause for even greater withdrawal.