"I need advice," Dave began our conversation. Dave is like many pastors who call Metanoia Ministries for counsel about how to handle conflict in their church.
Dave told me about Tom, a founding member and retired businessman in his church. "He acts like he is the boss and I am his employee," Dave explained, "constantly telling me what I did or said wrong."
"Well, how do you respond?" I asked.
"I'd like to tell him off," Dave admitted. "But I'm trying to extend grace. I pulled him aside after service last week and said I'd like to talk to him. I mentioned that his words to me were discouraging. Tom immediately became defensive, telling me he is a 'straight-shooter.' He said that I needed more 'backbone,' or I would not last long as pastor.
"This morning Tom sent me an e-mail warning me that he will be dropping by later today to discuss 'serious concerns about my preaching and leadership,'" Dave told me. "My stomach is tied up in knots. I know I need to confront Tom, but he has a history of being argumentative and manipulative.
"What do I do?" Dave asked me. "How do you confront a critical and defensive person?"
We talked on the phone awhile longer. I explained how defensive people are good at seeing the fault of others while failing to see their own. When confronted, defensive people will always find ways to disagree. If they cannot win they will feign hurt, blaming you for "judging" their hearts.
"Dave," I said, "to confront a defensive person like Tom, you must first understand why he needs to be defensive." I told Dave to spend some time in prayer asking God for wisdom and insight.
We talked about other encounters people had with Tom. I explained that often people like Tom put on an outward bravado in order to mask a deep insecurity. They may be afraid of close relationships. Being critical and defensive lets them change the conversation away from their own inadequacies to the failure of others. Defensive people instinctively set up conversations to protect themselves. "Understanding why he is doing this will help you minister to Tom's inner soul while correcting his outward behavior," I said.
I reminded Dave that to be redemptive, a leader must discern, describe, and lovingly invite the person into change.
A simple rule is this: never confront power with power, confront power with loving truth.
Here are seven steps for encountering a defensive person.
1. Move toward, not away. Your first inclination will be to move away, to ignore, or to isolate him. This is wrong. Always move toward a defensive person, not away. Defensive people want to be distant; they want to think in extremes. Moving away provides emotional distance for the person to hide; it confirms this suspicion that you will not listen, that he is right and you are wrong.
2. Engage relationally. Greet the critical person with a question like "What do you do for fun?" Whatever he says, make a date to do that with him. Show interest in him as a person. Ask about his marriage and his family. Typically, defensive people have great difficulty giving and receiving love, which is why they elevate opinion and loyalty over relationship and reconciliation. This will be evident in their friendships, marriage, and family. Empathize with the trail of broken relationships you are likely to find.
3. Bless and affirm. Jesus said, "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:28). Defensive people only know negative affirmation. Bless and affirm his gifts. Recognize that he believes his cause is right and just.
4. Be direct. While affirming, state truth directly. Speak to Tom personally. Do not respond by e-mail. And when the language becomes hurtful, I suggested that Dave say: "What you have to say, Tom, is important. But the way you say it causes problems."
5. Find agreement. The greatest mistake leaders make is to engage a defensive person on issues of disagreement. Arguing with a defensive person always ends up in frustration and confusion. In fact, the problem escalates as each side responds to the accusation of the other. Therefore, find facts, methods, or events where you agree. When wrong, apologize. Allow Tom's explanation to be one possible conclusion then focus on fruit, not facts.
6. Follow the fruit. Scripture tells us to test everything by spiritual fruit (Gal. 5:22-23). Confront Tom about fruit, I recommended, and again, be direct. "I am experiencing you as angry (or defensive) right now, Tom. Are you angry?" When Tom insists that he is right, it might be good to ask, "What would we expect to see if that were true?" or "If God's Spirit were present, what would it look like?" Ask the defensive person to describe what the fruit of his work looks like.
7. Invite submission. Ask the defensive person to walk with you in mutual submission. Tell him you want to follow Christ in being humble, leadable and teachable. Ask if he wants this too. Suggest ways you and he can have a reciprocal relationship—one that shows respect and honor to each other. Ask "Are you willing to grow?" Set boundaries based upon your agreement.
In the end, Tom may still be critical and defensive toward Dave. Habits are hard to break. "Or," I told Dave, "you might win over a valuable friend."
Jim Van Yperen is executive director of Metanoia Ministries, a non-profit Christian organization serving the church in leadership formation and conflict reconciliation. Jim is the author of Making Peace: A Guide to Overcoming Church Conflict (Moody Press, 2002). www.changeyourmind.net.
Showing posts with label small group. Show all posts
Showing posts with label small group. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, September 8, 2008
Challenge yourself
Create a brief list of your resources, skills, funds, time, energy and possessions. Bring this list to God in a prayer of thanks. What decisions do you have about using these assets that may lead you out of your comfort zone? Meditate on God's character as it relates to these decisions.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
5 Small-Group Myths
Home bible studies don't always operate by the textbook.
by David A. Womack
After more than four decades of promotion in books, magazines, seminars, and classes, the successes of small-group ministries are few and far between. Among the reasons are:
1. We have few role models, at least in our own culture.
2. The literature on the subject has promoted the idea without offering practical methods.
3. The American concept of home privacy causes such ministries to develop more slowly here than in some countries.
4. Our American style of church leadership does not often encourage lay ministries to develop outside the walls of the sanctuary, beyond the immediate supervision of the pastor.
5. Pastors who decide in favor of home ministries become discouraged when they cannot find specifically prepared Bible study materials. If we want to give direction to the teaching, we must adapt materials created for other purposes—and that's too much work.
Yet we cannot escape the reality that many lay Christians want a small-group experience, and can benefit greatly if the group functions properly. The question is how.
After experience with thousands of home meetings in dozens of churches as a denominational administrator, I think I know why more churches do not have healthy, successful, home programs. We approached the subject without understanding the complicated sociological terrain onto which we had so glibly ventured.
Here are five theories I've had to revise along the way:
Myth 1: Small Groups Are A Wonderful Evangelistic Tool
At first I said, "Home groups are our outreach to the city." But a couple of years later I said, "Home Bible studies contribute to the total outreach of the church. They are not directly evangelistic."
Several years and much experience later, I said, "The evangelistic results of home Bible studies are indirect, for the groups draw from the congregation rather than the neighborhood. Home ministries conserve the results of other evangelistic methods."
Most churches that start new programs have outreach in mind, but they soon become disappointed with the evangelistic results. Churches that are successful with home ministries, I concluded, must do so for their developmental and conservational value, not solely for evangelism.
Then finally it dawned on me: Home Bible studies are a withdrawal from the community into an intimate Christian circle for fellowship and nurture. They are for inreach, not outreach!
Myth 2: Small Groups Unite The Christians In A Neighborhood
Like many churches starting home programs with little advance knowledge, we began by studying the territory and recruiting host homes throughout the community. Then we asked the church people to attend the home fellowship group nearest them.
Obedient as our congregations sometimes are, the plan worked … for about two weeks. After that, people went wherever their friends attended.
People form small groups around centers of common interest; they cluster socio-economically, not geographically. True, home fellowships are brought together by a common interest in the Bible, love for Christ, and dependence on interpersonal support. Yet, many people share those interests without bonding together in clusters. These common bonds would not suffice in themselves to form a particular small group without some additional core of commonality that draws people to one another. At the heart of the small-group phenomenon is interdependence among friends.
This raises the question of cliques in the church. Most of us have preached or heard preaching against church cliques as far back as we can remember. Now we are beginning to understand that cliquing is a natural and desirable gregarious trait that unites a congregation and forms the basis for home ministries. Home Bible studies take advantage of this natural bonding by providing a creative function for friendship groups.
The negative side of this social phenomenon is cliquishness—the temptation to exclude outsiders. Church leaders can avoid this problem by actively encouraging hospitality, posting public invitations to all home groups, and starting new groups as friendship circles develop.
Although home programs are not in themselves evangelistic, they contribute to church growth by strengthening the whole fiber of the congregation. Much as grapes grow in clusters, a church develops by attracting friendship groups around a central stem. Some center of mutual interest binds a congregation together in love and fellowship; but the church is made up of smaller units, each of which is more or less complete in itself.
The force that attracts groups into a church body varies, but it often has something to do with a common ethnic, economic, or social background and lifestyle, a common belief system, and a popular pastor. The larger church learns to cluster smaller groups into its greater whole by providing nourishment, encouragement, identity, and protection.
Myth 3: Bible Study Is The Centerpiece Of A Small Group
In the beginning, I thought people wanted to gather in homes to study the Bible, so I put most of my effort into preparing the lessons. I have learned that people do not come to homes primarily for Bible study.
Rather, they are attracted by their needs for social interaction, the support of caring and sharing friends, and a sense of belonging to a meaningful body of peers. They want a place where they can get good advice and feel free to speak without rejection.
When I realized this, I did the necessary research in small-group dynamics and organized the home meetings to provide for the whole range of needs. Our church's home meetings now have four elements, in this order:
1. Fellowship (conversation and refreshments)
2. Bible Study (a prepared lesson)
3. Self-expression (sharing, exhortation, and prayer requests)
4. Prayer (either individually or as a group)
Myth 4: A Small Group Needs One Strong Leader
The biblical shepherds led their flocks to pasture, but those of today drive the sheep. I soon discovered a similar contrast of leadership styles in home fellowships. Some led out strongly; others nudged around the edges.
Because people need both to hear and be heard, small groups do best with sharing rather than dominant leaders.
The wise shepherd learns to recognize and put bells on certain sheep the flock tends to follow. This keeps the sheep together and simplifies the task of moving the flock from one place to another. Guiding a few bell sheep and thereby leading the whole flock is much better than driving with sheep dogs.
Human nature is competitive, and every relationship includes a factor of leading and following. Whenever we put anyone in charge of anything, we establish a power structure in which a certain amount of struggle for domination will occur. It is not easy to find unthreatened and nonthreatening teachers who will lead without feeling ego-bound to rule.
On this score, I am glad I listened to the advice of Korea's Cho Yonggi, who told me to put two teachers in each home, both equally responsible to the pastor. It was a stroke of genius. Neither feels the group is his or hers to control; both must remain loyal to the church and the program. They simply alternate each week, one teaching and the other leading the rest of the meeting.
Another problem was how to maintain quality with teachers who had little or no previous experience and training. I overcame this by providing recorded weekly lesson outlines and recordings of the lesson. Each week the teacher listens to my thirty-minute lesson and follows along in the Bible and a lesson outline. Then he or she takes the outline to the home meeting. We also have a training manual with an accompanying recording.
The method works well, allowing us to use almost any Christian who will accept the responsibility. In fact, we generally do better with humble people who lack some confidence than with teachers trained in other methods.
Myth 5: Small Groups Multiply By Cell Division
At first I suggested a group should divide when it reached twenty in regular attendance. Well, in the first three years only one group grew that large—and after it divided, only one of the two cells survived. Most groups grew to fourteen or sixteen and stopped.
The idea of church growth by cell division works only on paper. Real groups grow to the size of the available space minus a comfort factor of about 20 percent (to allow for introverts, claustrophobics, and others who resist crowding). In most homes that means a maximum of not more than a dozen people. The concept of growth is not really a goal in small-group dynamics.
So how do we start new groups? The best way is simply to form new groups! Some people will come from other crowded groups, and the new home with its friendship connections will attract its own following. This is a constantly flowing process as some groups flourish, others stabilize, and still others fade for lack of leadership or cohesion. The experiences are as varied as the people who attend.
Truthfully, a home Bible study network is a living thing that comes and goes, expands and contracts as the years go by. We must expect some groups to fade while others flourish. One group in our church has met continuously for five years—mainly because of steady leadership and practical teaching materials. But others have fallen by the wayside. That is why we must never cease starting new groups.
Why Groups Are Worth The Effort
The best lesson of all was when I began noticing that people who regularly participate in home meetings seldom require pastoral counseling. The small group is a caring and sharing environment that provides excellent psychological and spiritual therapy in addition to fellowship and Bible knowledge. The people receive emotional support, Christian advice, and answers to prayer.
The early church did not construct its first church building for 300 years. In the beginning of that period, it used the temple for corporate worship, and after A.D. 300 it began to worship in the Roman basilicas, but its basic meeting places were believers' homes. Those non-threatening, marginally evangelistic, low-profile leadership gatherings accounted for some of history's best church growth.
Like a number of other pastors, I have learned a lot on the twisting, turning road of home ministries. The small groups did not do everything we originally had in mind, but they have surprised us with unexpected success in the maturation and care of our congregations.
That is why I still say with conviction: Every church should be a motivational and training center surrounded by a network of home Bible studies—even if they don't take shape the way you projected in the beginning.
Adapted from an article that first appeared in our sister publication, Leadership journal. David A. Womack is a pastor and author.
by David A. Womack
After more than four decades of promotion in books, magazines, seminars, and classes, the successes of small-group ministries are few and far between. Among the reasons are:
1. We have few role models, at least in our own culture.
2. The literature on the subject has promoted the idea without offering practical methods.
3. The American concept of home privacy causes such ministries to develop more slowly here than in some countries.
4. Our American style of church leadership does not often encourage lay ministries to develop outside the walls of the sanctuary, beyond the immediate supervision of the pastor.
5. Pastors who decide in favor of home ministries become discouraged when they cannot find specifically prepared Bible study materials. If we want to give direction to the teaching, we must adapt materials created for other purposes—and that's too much work.
Yet we cannot escape the reality that many lay Christians want a small-group experience, and can benefit greatly if the group functions properly. The question is how.
After experience with thousands of home meetings in dozens of churches as a denominational administrator, I think I know why more churches do not have healthy, successful, home programs. We approached the subject without understanding the complicated sociological terrain onto which we had so glibly ventured.
Here are five theories I've had to revise along the way:
Myth 1: Small Groups Are A Wonderful Evangelistic Tool
At first I said, "Home groups are our outreach to the city." But a couple of years later I said, "Home Bible studies contribute to the total outreach of the church. They are not directly evangelistic."
Several years and much experience later, I said, "The evangelistic results of home Bible studies are indirect, for the groups draw from the congregation rather than the neighborhood. Home ministries conserve the results of other evangelistic methods."
Most churches that start new programs have outreach in mind, but they soon become disappointed with the evangelistic results. Churches that are successful with home ministries, I concluded, must do so for their developmental and conservational value, not solely for evangelism.
Then finally it dawned on me: Home Bible studies are a withdrawal from the community into an intimate Christian circle for fellowship and nurture. They are for inreach, not outreach!
Myth 2: Small Groups Unite The Christians In A Neighborhood
Like many churches starting home programs with little advance knowledge, we began by studying the territory and recruiting host homes throughout the community. Then we asked the church people to attend the home fellowship group nearest them.
Obedient as our congregations sometimes are, the plan worked … for about two weeks. After that, people went wherever their friends attended.
People form small groups around centers of common interest; they cluster socio-economically, not geographically. True, home fellowships are brought together by a common interest in the Bible, love for Christ, and dependence on interpersonal support. Yet, many people share those interests without bonding together in clusters. These common bonds would not suffice in themselves to form a particular small group without some additional core of commonality that draws people to one another. At the heart of the small-group phenomenon is interdependence among friends.
This raises the question of cliques in the church. Most of us have preached or heard preaching against church cliques as far back as we can remember. Now we are beginning to understand that cliquing is a natural and desirable gregarious trait that unites a congregation and forms the basis for home ministries. Home Bible studies take advantage of this natural bonding by providing a creative function for friendship groups.
The negative side of this social phenomenon is cliquishness—the temptation to exclude outsiders. Church leaders can avoid this problem by actively encouraging hospitality, posting public invitations to all home groups, and starting new groups as friendship circles develop.
Although home programs are not in themselves evangelistic, they contribute to church growth by strengthening the whole fiber of the congregation. Much as grapes grow in clusters, a church develops by attracting friendship groups around a central stem. Some center of mutual interest binds a congregation together in love and fellowship; but the church is made up of smaller units, each of which is more or less complete in itself.
The force that attracts groups into a church body varies, but it often has something to do with a common ethnic, economic, or social background and lifestyle, a common belief system, and a popular pastor. The larger church learns to cluster smaller groups into its greater whole by providing nourishment, encouragement, identity, and protection.
Myth 3: Bible Study Is The Centerpiece Of A Small Group
In the beginning, I thought people wanted to gather in homes to study the Bible, so I put most of my effort into preparing the lessons. I have learned that people do not come to homes primarily for Bible study.
Rather, they are attracted by their needs for social interaction, the support of caring and sharing friends, and a sense of belonging to a meaningful body of peers. They want a place where they can get good advice and feel free to speak without rejection.
When I realized this, I did the necessary research in small-group dynamics and organized the home meetings to provide for the whole range of needs. Our church's home meetings now have four elements, in this order:
1. Fellowship (conversation and refreshments)
2. Bible Study (a prepared lesson)
3. Self-expression (sharing, exhortation, and prayer requests)
4. Prayer (either individually or as a group)
Myth 4: A Small Group Needs One Strong Leader
The biblical shepherds led their flocks to pasture, but those of today drive the sheep. I soon discovered a similar contrast of leadership styles in home fellowships. Some led out strongly; others nudged around the edges.
Because people need both to hear and be heard, small groups do best with sharing rather than dominant leaders.
The wise shepherd learns to recognize and put bells on certain sheep the flock tends to follow. This keeps the sheep together and simplifies the task of moving the flock from one place to another. Guiding a few bell sheep and thereby leading the whole flock is much better than driving with sheep dogs.
Human nature is competitive, and every relationship includes a factor of leading and following. Whenever we put anyone in charge of anything, we establish a power structure in which a certain amount of struggle for domination will occur. It is not easy to find unthreatened and nonthreatening teachers who will lead without feeling ego-bound to rule.
On this score, I am glad I listened to the advice of Korea's Cho Yonggi, who told me to put two teachers in each home, both equally responsible to the pastor. It was a stroke of genius. Neither feels the group is his or hers to control; both must remain loyal to the church and the program. They simply alternate each week, one teaching and the other leading the rest of the meeting.
Another problem was how to maintain quality with teachers who had little or no previous experience and training. I overcame this by providing recorded weekly lesson outlines and recordings of the lesson. Each week the teacher listens to my thirty-minute lesson and follows along in the Bible and a lesson outline. Then he or she takes the outline to the home meeting. We also have a training manual with an accompanying recording.
The method works well, allowing us to use almost any Christian who will accept the responsibility. In fact, we generally do better with humble people who lack some confidence than with teachers trained in other methods.
Myth 5: Small Groups Multiply By Cell Division
At first I suggested a group should divide when it reached twenty in regular attendance. Well, in the first three years only one group grew that large—and after it divided, only one of the two cells survived. Most groups grew to fourteen or sixteen and stopped.
The idea of church growth by cell division works only on paper. Real groups grow to the size of the available space minus a comfort factor of about 20 percent (to allow for introverts, claustrophobics, and others who resist crowding). In most homes that means a maximum of not more than a dozen people. The concept of growth is not really a goal in small-group dynamics.
So how do we start new groups? The best way is simply to form new groups! Some people will come from other crowded groups, and the new home with its friendship connections will attract its own following. This is a constantly flowing process as some groups flourish, others stabilize, and still others fade for lack of leadership or cohesion. The experiences are as varied as the people who attend.
Truthfully, a home Bible study network is a living thing that comes and goes, expands and contracts as the years go by. We must expect some groups to fade while others flourish. One group in our church has met continuously for five years—mainly because of steady leadership and practical teaching materials. But others have fallen by the wayside. That is why we must never cease starting new groups.
Why Groups Are Worth The Effort
The best lesson of all was when I began noticing that people who regularly participate in home meetings seldom require pastoral counseling. The small group is a caring and sharing environment that provides excellent psychological and spiritual therapy in addition to fellowship and Bible knowledge. The people receive emotional support, Christian advice, and answers to prayer.
The early church did not construct its first church building for 300 years. In the beginning of that period, it used the temple for corporate worship, and after A.D. 300 it began to worship in the Roman basilicas, but its basic meeting places were believers' homes. Those non-threatening, marginally evangelistic, low-profile leadership gatherings accounted for some of history's best church growth.
Like a number of other pastors, I have learned a lot on the twisting, turning road of home ministries. The small groups did not do everything we originally had in mind, but they have surprised us with unexpected success in the maturation and care of our congregations.
That is why I still say with conviction: Every church should be a motivational and training center surrounded by a network of home Bible studies—even if they don't take shape the way you projected in the beginning.
Adapted from an article that first appeared in our sister publication, Leadership journal. David A. Womack is a pastor and author.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
The following article is located at:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/dividinggroupsisdumb.html
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
A common sense look at a highly debated principle of small-group life.
by Larry Osborne
Dividing small groups is a dumb idea.
I know. Dumb is a strong word. But now that I've got your attention, let's see if you don't come to the same conclusion after we've looked more closely at this strategy's underlying rationale and unintended consequences.
For decades it's been an unquestioned canon within the small-group movement that healthy groups multiply by continually growing and splitting into new groups. Groups that stay together too long are considered stagnant. Those that fail to aggressively add new members are written off as uncommitted to the Great Commission. Any group that insists on remaining together gets tagged as selfish.
Admittedly, dividing to multiply is an idea that looks good on paper. It sounds great at leadership conferences. It's organic, mirroring the cellular growth of the human body. It offers the potential for unlimited kingdom expansion. It encourages people to reach out to the lost. It forces new leaders to step up and take the reins.
No wonder most small group gurus, church consultants, and pastors with a passion for evangelism and church growth swear by the concept.
But what about those who are in a small group? Fact is, they tend to see it differently—very differently. They generally hate the idea. They don't swear by it. They swear at it.
If you don't believe me, start asking people in churches where small groups are pressured to multiply by dividing. Ask them what they think of the empty chair they're supposed to fill during each session, and the expectation that they'll help grow the church by growing and then dividing their group.
Except for pastors, staff members, and church leaders who are professionally responsible for the growth of the church, you'll find that hardly anyone thinks it's a good idea—especially those who are fortunate enough to find a group filled with significant relationships. To most of them it makes no sense at all. After finally finding some people with whom they've closely connected, they don't want to split up and roll the relational dice once again.
It's too risky. It's painful. It's even a little bit cruel.
I've asked many of these folks why they don't simply dig in their heels and say no.
Some tell me they have, only to be written off as uncooperative and spiritually self-centered. Others tell me they've tried to raise their concerns but no one seems to listen. Most tell me they don't want to be branded as unspiritual or selfish, so they shrug their shoulders and go along with the program or quietly drop out at the first opportunity.
While many church leaders are quick to chalk up such responses as spiritually immature, shortsighted, or indicative of a lack of commitment to the larger cause of Christ, I think that's a mistake. It's not that these people are resistant to the Great Commission or don't want their churches to grow. It's simply that for many of them, their small group is the first time they've experienced the authentic and transparent relationships they've always been told Christians should have with one another. It's understandable they're reluctant to let it go. They know the odds of finding it right away in another group aren't too high.
Unintended Consequences
Actually, dividing to multiply can (and often does) work in the short run. But it usually takes only a couple of cycles before the process starts to lose steam and then stalls out. Trying to multiply a small group ministry by division is a lot like bulking up on steroids. After an initial burst of newfound strength and muscle, the unintended consequences start to show up. And when they do, it isn't pretty.
That's one of the major reasons why so many small group ministries built on this pattern seem to go through a significant re-visioning or re-engineering every three to five years. Not realizing the negative effects of continually dividing their groups, churches keep retooling them with the latest hot curriculum, new idea, or novel structure, only to do it again a few years later.
Here are just a few of the most significant problems that dividing to multiply creates.
Relational Overload
I like to say that people are a lot like Legos. Some of us have lots of connectors; some have few. But once those connectors are filled, our capacity for close and significant relationships is maxed out.
We're friendly, but we don't connect. We can't. We're already relationally full.
Small-group ministries that continually divide their existing groups to form new groups ignore this principle. It's inevitable that after a few cycles of splitting healthy groups, the quality of the relationships within the new groups starts to dissipate. That's because members who agree to keep spinning off into new groups have fewer and fewer connectors available with the start of each new group. They may have plenty of physical openings in their group, but they usually have few if any emotional openings in their lives.
The result is a predictable clash of expectations. The newest members join hoping to develop significant relationships. But most of the holdovers aren't looking to fill a relational vacuum. They just want a Bible study with a few new friends. That explains why those who join a group in which half or more of the members come from a previously existing group so often complain that the group is a bit cliquish and hard to break into. In most cases the problem isn't cliquishness. It's a differing set of relational needs, expectations, and capacities.
Certainly, there are some people who are adept at quickly jettisoning old relationships and adding new ones to their inner circle. Like social butterflies, they thrive in an environment of constantly changing relationships. But most of us aren't very good at it. And most of us have no desire to become good at it.
A Lesson from Camp Pendleton
Another unintended consequence of expecting groups to continually divide and multiply for the good of the cause is that it eventually leads to shallower, not deeper, relationships across the board.
When relationships are predictably transitional, most of us instinctively find ways to avoid or lessen the pain of separation. It's human nature. Our church is near a marine base known as Camp Pendleton. Thousands of military families live on base and nearby. Typically, the military moves these families every three years or so, often from West Coast to East Coast. Some families thrive on it. They love the adventure. Others struggle with it. They hate the constant disruption and inability to put down roots.
But I've noticed something that both groups have in common. After a couple of cross-country moves, they learn to keep new relationships at a safe distance. It's not that they aren't friendly. They are. But they also know it won't be long until it's time to pick up and move again. So rather than set themselves up to be hurt too badly when the time comes to say good-bye, they tend to keep most relationships at arm's length—close but not too close. It hurts less that way.
In much the same way, church members who repeatedly experience the death of their small group to start a new group begin to operate in a self-protective mode. They learn to keep relationships at a safe level—one that won't cause them too much hurt when the group disbands.
Mayberry in San Diego
The high mobility of our society has created a culture without roots. The size of our cities, communities, and social institutions (today's midsized church would have been considered huge throughout most of history) has created a culture of anonymity. Combine rootlessness with anonymity, and we have an environment in which significant long-term relationships are hard to come by—even for Christians well connected within their church.
Yet the New Testament assumes we are living out our faith in the context of relationships that are close enough to carry out the 30-plus "one anothers" it commands. What to do? No worry. Small groups will ride to the rescue. At least that's the rhetoric.
In most churches, when small groups are first launched, they're sold as the panacea for the isolation and rootlessness so many of us feel—the perfect tool to provide true community and authentic relationships. We're told they'll make it harder to hide and pretend, while at the same time providing a place for genuine acceptance and the relational stability we intuitively long for.
And for those who try out small groups, this is not just rhetoric. It's fact. They actually work that way.
But when ministry leaders convince people to join a small group to counteract the relational bankruptcy of our culture, and then immediately turn around and tell them that if they love Jesus, they'll split the group right after it jells, the leaders are sending a mixed message at best, a dishonest one at worst.
Either people need the relational stability and deep relationships of a small group or they don't. Church leaders can't have it both ways, pushing people into groups to overcome the ills of a transient, impersonal society and then asking them to ditch the solution not long after it starts to work, just to grow the church larger.
At North Coast church, where I serve as senior pastor, we decided at the beginning that our sermon-based small groups would hold to their original purpose of creating significant and sticky relationships. So rather than ask healthy groups to divide, we not only allow them to stay together as long as they like; we encourage it.
Some have been together for decades. Contrary to what many would predict, they haven't grown stale. But their members have grown older together with a dignity and beauty reminiscent of a time when communities had stability and people had roots.
To me, that's a good thing. If you ask them, it's a great thing.
For more information about the Sticky Church book and conference, October 6 & 7 visit www.StickyChurch.com.
—Larry Osborne; excerpted from Sticky Church, copyright 2008 by Zondervan. Used with permission.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/dividinggroupsisdumb.html
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
A common sense look at a highly debated principle of small-group life.
by Larry Osborne
Dividing small groups is a dumb idea.
I know. Dumb is a strong word. But now that I've got your attention, let's see if you don't come to the same conclusion after we've looked more closely at this strategy's underlying rationale and unintended consequences.
For decades it's been an unquestioned canon within the small-group movement that healthy groups multiply by continually growing and splitting into new groups. Groups that stay together too long are considered stagnant. Those that fail to aggressively add new members are written off as uncommitted to the Great Commission. Any group that insists on remaining together gets tagged as selfish.
Admittedly, dividing to multiply is an idea that looks good on paper. It sounds great at leadership conferences. It's organic, mirroring the cellular growth of the human body. It offers the potential for unlimited kingdom expansion. It encourages people to reach out to the lost. It forces new leaders to step up and take the reins.
No wonder most small group gurus, church consultants, and pastors with a passion for evangelism and church growth swear by the concept.
But what about those who are in a small group? Fact is, they tend to see it differently—very differently. They generally hate the idea. They don't swear by it. They swear at it.
If you don't believe me, start asking people in churches where small groups are pressured to multiply by dividing. Ask them what they think of the empty chair they're supposed to fill during each session, and the expectation that they'll help grow the church by growing and then dividing their group.
Except for pastors, staff members, and church leaders who are professionally responsible for the growth of the church, you'll find that hardly anyone thinks it's a good idea—especially those who are fortunate enough to find a group filled with significant relationships. To most of them it makes no sense at all. After finally finding some people with whom they've closely connected, they don't want to split up and roll the relational dice once again.
It's too risky. It's painful. It's even a little bit cruel.
I've asked many of these folks why they don't simply dig in their heels and say no.
Some tell me they have, only to be written off as uncooperative and spiritually self-centered. Others tell me they've tried to raise their concerns but no one seems to listen. Most tell me they don't want to be branded as unspiritual or selfish, so they shrug their shoulders and go along with the program or quietly drop out at the first opportunity.
While many church leaders are quick to chalk up such responses as spiritually immature, shortsighted, or indicative of a lack of commitment to the larger cause of Christ, I think that's a mistake. It's not that these people are resistant to the Great Commission or don't want their churches to grow. It's simply that for many of them, their small group is the first time they've experienced the authentic and transparent relationships they've always been told Christians should have with one another. It's understandable they're reluctant to let it go. They know the odds of finding it right away in another group aren't too high.
Unintended Consequences
Actually, dividing to multiply can (and often does) work in the short run. But it usually takes only a couple of cycles before the process starts to lose steam and then stalls out. Trying to multiply a small group ministry by division is a lot like bulking up on steroids. After an initial burst of newfound strength and muscle, the unintended consequences start to show up. And when they do, it isn't pretty.
That's one of the major reasons why so many small group ministries built on this pattern seem to go through a significant re-visioning or re-engineering every three to five years. Not realizing the negative effects of continually dividing their groups, churches keep retooling them with the latest hot curriculum, new idea, or novel structure, only to do it again a few years later.
Here are just a few of the most significant problems that dividing to multiply creates.
Relational Overload
I like to say that people are a lot like Legos. Some of us have lots of connectors; some have few. But once those connectors are filled, our capacity for close and significant relationships is maxed out.
We're friendly, but we don't connect. We can't. We're already relationally full.
Small-group ministries that continually divide their existing groups to form new groups ignore this principle. It's inevitable that after a few cycles of splitting healthy groups, the quality of the relationships within the new groups starts to dissipate. That's because members who agree to keep spinning off into new groups have fewer and fewer connectors available with the start of each new group. They may have plenty of physical openings in their group, but they usually have few if any emotional openings in their lives.
The result is a predictable clash of expectations. The newest members join hoping to develop significant relationships. But most of the holdovers aren't looking to fill a relational vacuum. They just want a Bible study with a few new friends. That explains why those who join a group in which half or more of the members come from a previously existing group so often complain that the group is a bit cliquish and hard to break into. In most cases the problem isn't cliquishness. It's a differing set of relational needs, expectations, and capacities.
Certainly, there are some people who are adept at quickly jettisoning old relationships and adding new ones to their inner circle. Like social butterflies, they thrive in an environment of constantly changing relationships. But most of us aren't very good at it. And most of us have no desire to become good at it.
A Lesson from Camp Pendleton
Another unintended consequence of expecting groups to continually divide and multiply for the good of the cause is that it eventually leads to shallower, not deeper, relationships across the board.
When relationships are predictably transitional, most of us instinctively find ways to avoid or lessen the pain of separation. It's human nature. Our church is near a marine base known as Camp Pendleton. Thousands of military families live on base and nearby. Typically, the military moves these families every three years or so, often from West Coast to East Coast. Some families thrive on it. They love the adventure. Others struggle with it. They hate the constant disruption and inability to put down roots.
But I've noticed something that both groups have in common. After a couple of cross-country moves, they learn to keep new relationships at a safe distance. It's not that they aren't friendly. They are. But they also know it won't be long until it's time to pick up and move again. So rather than set themselves up to be hurt too badly when the time comes to say good-bye, they tend to keep most relationships at arm's length—close but not too close. It hurts less that way.
In much the same way, church members who repeatedly experience the death of their small group to start a new group begin to operate in a self-protective mode. They learn to keep relationships at a safe level—one that won't cause them too much hurt when the group disbands.
Mayberry in San Diego
The high mobility of our society has created a culture without roots. The size of our cities, communities, and social institutions (today's midsized church would have been considered huge throughout most of history) has created a culture of anonymity. Combine rootlessness with anonymity, and we have an environment in which significant long-term relationships are hard to come by—even for Christians well connected within their church.
Yet the New Testament assumes we are living out our faith in the context of relationships that are close enough to carry out the 30-plus "one anothers" it commands. What to do? No worry. Small groups will ride to the rescue. At least that's the rhetoric.
In most churches, when small groups are first launched, they're sold as the panacea for the isolation and rootlessness so many of us feel—the perfect tool to provide true community and authentic relationships. We're told they'll make it harder to hide and pretend, while at the same time providing a place for genuine acceptance and the relational stability we intuitively long for.
And for those who try out small groups, this is not just rhetoric. It's fact. They actually work that way.
But when ministry leaders convince people to join a small group to counteract the relational bankruptcy of our culture, and then immediately turn around and tell them that if they love Jesus, they'll split the group right after it jells, the leaders are sending a mixed message at best, a dishonest one at worst.
Either people need the relational stability and deep relationships of a small group or they don't. Church leaders can't have it both ways, pushing people into groups to overcome the ills of a transient, impersonal society and then asking them to ditch the solution not long after it starts to work, just to grow the church larger.
At North Coast church, where I serve as senior pastor, we decided at the beginning that our sermon-based small groups would hold to their original purpose of creating significant and sticky relationships. So rather than ask healthy groups to divide, we not only allow them to stay together as long as they like; we encourage it.
Some have been together for decades. Contrary to what many would predict, they haven't grown stale. But their members have grown older together with a dignity and beauty reminiscent of a time when communities had stability and people had roots.
To me, that's a good thing. If you ask them, it's a great thing.
For more information about the Sticky Church book and conference, October 6 & 7 visit www.StickyChurch.com.
—Larry Osborne; excerpted from Sticky Church, copyright 2008 by Zondervan. Used with permission.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Why Listening Makes a Difference
Going beyond the act of hearing can bring a load of blessings to your small group.
by Janet McMahon
Several years ago I found myself in a small group of women that met on Saturday mornings. These were women I had known for a while; they were friends of mine. The group had a simple format—we would read a few verses from the Bible, read a meditation, and then ask the same three questions every week.
I had been a part of many small groups before, and I was expecting all of the usual good stuff—sharing, friendship, fun, and so on. But something unusual was going on with this group. It was different. I felt like I was going to be challenged. I felt like I was going to change. This made me a little nervous, but very excited, and I looked forward to the next meeting.
When Saturday rolled around again, I found myself eagerly anticipating what would be shared and discovered in the group. I walked away from that meeting with new insights about my spiritual growth, but again there was something different. Something more. I began to believe that this group would be the catalyst for some real growth and life change for me.
By this time I was more than curious, and I thought hard about what that difference could be. Was it that these women were special? Was it that they were already friends of mine? No, I had been in groups with lots of very special people, and I had been in groups with lots of very good friends.
By the end of the third group meeting, I was starting to get a handle on the answer. There was something different, after all—something that I now believe is key to making small groups work.
The Art of Listening
As one of the women began to share something that had happened in her week, I looked around and noticed that they other women were all listening—really listening. They were more focused and listened more intently then I was used to from other group experiences. They were not giving her advice. They were not relating her story to theirs. They were not saying things to help her feel better. They were just listening. They listened, and she felt understood and heard.
Once I had my answer, I wanted to listen like that. I wanted to listen so intently that others felt truly heard and understood. As I've grown in this area, I've learned that listening is more than a skill. It's an art. And when done well, listening is an art that really can change people's lives. But it's not something that most people are naturally good at. In fact, the opposite is true.
In his book Making Small Groups Work, Henry Cloud says: "A big part of the problem is that we think listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. And once we know what they have said, we feel the permission to tell them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. From a facilitator's perspective, that is not listening. It is just waiting your turn."
As a leader or facilitator, how often do you find yourself "waiting your turn" to talk? But it doesn't have to be that way. When you as a leader model the art of good listening, you set the tone for good listening in the entire group.
The Benefits of Listening
When we listen well, we offer several positive experiences for our group members:
* Validation. According to Cloud, validation happens when a person's reality has been seen as real and true for him. In other words, a group leader can validate a member by acknowledging that what he expressed is real and true for him. That doesn't mean we agree with the person. That doesn't mean we try to fix the person or make the situation better. That doesn't mean we quickly give advice. After all, Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame."
* Empathy. Dr. Cloud writes, "Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his experience and reality." To empathize means to listen for the feeling behind what is being shared, and then to simply reflect back what you have heard. And that's the important part when it comes to small groups. You have to be able to express "I hear you saying … " without adding a lot of spiritual meaning or connections or advice.
* Understanding. Finally, when we're listening well, we seek to understand the person speaking. That means we have to intentionally keep our focus off ourselves. How many small-group leaders are tempted to respond to a moment of transparency by relating personal experiences from their own lives? But doing so takes the focus away from the person who just shared. Instead, we need to encourage more sharing so that we—and the rest of the group—can better understand. So ask questions that draw out more information. "What else happened?" or "Is there more?"
by Janet McMahon
Several years ago I found myself in a small group of women that met on Saturday mornings. These were women I had known for a while; they were friends of mine. The group had a simple format—we would read a few verses from the Bible, read a meditation, and then ask the same three questions every week.
I had been a part of many small groups before, and I was expecting all of the usual good stuff—sharing, friendship, fun, and so on. But something unusual was going on with this group. It was different. I felt like I was going to be challenged. I felt like I was going to change. This made me a little nervous, but very excited, and I looked forward to the next meeting.
When Saturday rolled around again, I found myself eagerly anticipating what would be shared and discovered in the group. I walked away from that meeting with new insights about my spiritual growth, but again there was something different. Something more. I began to believe that this group would be the catalyst for some real growth and life change for me.
By this time I was more than curious, and I thought hard about what that difference could be. Was it that these women were special? Was it that they were already friends of mine? No, I had been in groups with lots of very special people, and I had been in groups with lots of very good friends.
By the end of the third group meeting, I was starting to get a handle on the answer. There was something different, after all—something that I now believe is key to making small groups work.
The Art of Listening
As one of the women began to share something that had happened in her week, I looked around and noticed that they other women were all listening—really listening. They were more focused and listened more intently then I was used to from other group experiences. They were not giving her advice. They were not relating her story to theirs. They were not saying things to help her feel better. They were just listening. They listened, and she felt understood and heard.
Once I had my answer, I wanted to listen like that. I wanted to listen so intently that others felt truly heard and understood. As I've grown in this area, I've learned that listening is more than a skill. It's an art. And when done well, listening is an art that really can change people's lives. But it's not something that most people are naturally good at. In fact, the opposite is true.
In his book Making Small Groups Work, Henry Cloud says: "A big part of the problem is that we think listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. And once we know what they have said, we feel the permission to tell them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. From a facilitator's perspective, that is not listening. It is just waiting your turn."
As a leader or facilitator, how often do you find yourself "waiting your turn" to talk? But it doesn't have to be that way. When you as a leader model the art of good listening, you set the tone for good listening in the entire group.
The Benefits of Listening
When we listen well, we offer several positive experiences for our group members:
* Validation. According to Cloud, validation happens when a person's reality has been seen as real and true for him. In other words, a group leader can validate a member by acknowledging that what he expressed is real and true for him. That doesn't mean we agree with the person. That doesn't mean we try to fix the person or make the situation better. That doesn't mean we quickly give advice. After all, Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame."
* Empathy. Dr. Cloud writes, "Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his experience and reality." To empathize means to listen for the feeling behind what is being shared, and then to simply reflect back what you have heard. And that's the important part when it comes to small groups. You have to be able to express "I hear you saying … " without adding a lot of spiritual meaning or connections or advice.
* Understanding. Finally, when we're listening well, we seek to understand the person speaking. That means we have to intentionally keep our focus off ourselves. How many small-group leaders are tempted to respond to a moment of transparency by relating personal experiences from their own lives? But doing so takes the focus away from the person who just shared. Instead, we need to encourage more sharing so that we—and the rest of the group—can better understand. So ask questions that draw out more information. "What else happened?" or "Is there more?"
Monday, August 11, 2008
Warming Up to God- CGL bag of tricks
Share with the group on what's your favorite section of the newspaper.
Many today "read" or "receive" God's word like an illiterate man "reads" the newspaper. They can pick out a few words here and there, and they can certainly look at the pictures. They can sit with an open newspaper, enjoy themselves to some degree, and appear to be reading. But the true content really escapes them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe an experience you have had in driving rain, a snowstorm or some other natural disaster in which you knew that God was present with you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
Just save one
by Tom Sirinides
Pass around a bowl of colored candies (M & Ms, Reese's Pieces, Skittles). Tell people to eat as many as they want, but to save one piece. After everyone has only one piece, announce a "question to answer" for each color. For example:
red - Tell about a happy day in your life.
green - Someplace you'd like to visit and why.
yellow - Someone you'd like to meet, and why.
orange - Three traits you'd like in a spouse.
brown - A movie you enjoyed and why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Create a brief list of your resources, skills, funds, time, energy and possessions. Bring this list to God in a prayer of thanks. What decisions do you have about using these assets that may lead you out of your comfort zone? Meditate on God's character as it relates to these decisions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask each person to tell about someone who has had a significant impact on his or her life (for good, for bad, in whatever area they choose).
Ask "Who was your hero as a child?" Or ask "Who was your favorite TV character as a child?" Or ask about favorite cartoon characters.
Reflect on the friend who has been most encouraging in your spiritual journey. Use single words to characterize your relationship with that person.
Tell the group something about yourself that they'd never think to ask you about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Examining your conscience
by St. Ignatius of Loyola
In The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius we find a five point method for "the daily examination of conscience" in prayer. This can be used in your group and you can challenge one another to keep this discipline personally.
I thank you _______________________________________.
I need you ________________________________________.
I love you ________________________________________.
I am sorry ________________________________________.
Stay with me, Lord!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
I've Never
by Tom Sirinides
Give each person ten beans (or ten pennies, or just have them hold up their ten fingers!). The first player makes a statement, like "I've never seen the ocean," or "I've never left the USA." (It must be a true statement.) Any player who has done that thing (that is, seen the ocean, left the USA) loses one bean or penny or puts down one finger. Continue around the circle until only one person has any beans, pennies, raised fingers left.
Many today "read" or "receive" God's word like an illiterate man "reads" the newspaper. They can pick out a few words here and there, and they can certainly look at the pictures. They can sit with an open newspaper, enjoy themselves to some degree, and appear to be reading. But the true content really escapes them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe an experience you have had in driving rain, a snowstorm or some other natural disaster in which you knew that God was present with you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
Just save one
by Tom Sirinides
Pass around a bowl of colored candies (M & Ms, Reese's Pieces, Skittles). Tell people to eat as many as they want, but to save one piece. After everyone has only one piece, announce a "question to answer" for each color. For example:
red - Tell about a happy day in your life.
green - Someplace you'd like to visit and why.
yellow - Someone you'd like to meet, and why.
orange - Three traits you'd like in a spouse.
brown - A movie you enjoyed and why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Create a brief list of your resources, skills, funds, time, energy and possessions. Bring this list to God in a prayer of thanks. What decisions do you have about using these assets that may lead you out of your comfort zone? Meditate on God's character as it relates to these decisions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask each person to tell about someone who has had a significant impact on his or her life (for good, for bad, in whatever area they choose).
Ask "Who was your hero as a child?" Or ask "Who was your favorite TV character as a child?" Or ask about favorite cartoon characters.
Reflect on the friend who has been most encouraging in your spiritual journey. Use single words to characterize your relationship with that person.
Tell the group something about yourself that they'd never think to ask you about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Examining your conscience
by St. Ignatius of Loyola
In The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius we find a five point method for "the daily examination of conscience" in prayer. This can be used in your group and you can challenge one another to keep this discipline personally.
I thank you _______________________________________.
I need you ________________________________________.
I love you ________________________________________.
I am sorry ________________________________________.
Stay with me, Lord!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
I've Never
by Tom Sirinides
Give each person ten beans (or ten pennies, or just have them hold up their ten fingers!). The first player makes a statement, like "I've never seen the ocean," or "I've never left the USA." (It must be a true statement.) Any player who has done that thing (that is, seen the ocean, left the USA) loses one bean or penny or puts down one finger. Continue around the circle until only one person has any beans, pennies, raised fingers left.
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