Humans were created to live in community. So how does one deal with feelings of loneliness?
By Debra Farrington
Three years ago, I moved from my home on the West Coast to the East Coast for a new job. Taking only my cat with me for company and continuity, I spent the first few months in my new home feeling more lonely than I have ever felt in my life. It wasn't that people weren't kind to me. But I was apart from good friends, my spiritual community, and all that was familiar. I was exhausted each day by the demands of a hectic job. What little energy I had left was spent in learning my way around, finding a new doctor, hairdresser, and dentist, not to mention friends and a new church. I remember being very envious of those whose husband, partner, or family moved with them. At least they brought some kind of support system with them.
While it might have been easier to have a built-in support system during those months, the unavoidable fact is that we all experience periods of loneliness. Popular mythology holds that only single people experience loneliness, but I've met married people who have faced lonely periods as well. As human beings, we need the companionship of significant people in our lives.
Enter the biblical stories of Adam and Eve in Genesis ("it is not good for man to be alone"), or of the animals entering the ark 2 x 2, and it seems like we have a biblically mandated solution to loneliness--marriage. But the Bible also contains the stories of single people leading full and rich lives. Miriam, Moses' sister, helps lead the Israelites out of Egypt. A beloved leader, she leads the people in celebration after their escape. When she is punished with leprosy, and must stay outside the camp for seven days, they will not go on without her. When she dies, the people stay put until she is buried. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, in the New Testament, appear to be single, and have significant friendships with many, including Jesus. Paul, Jesus, and others fill the pages of the Bible--all single people, beloved of God, with rich, full lives. God doesn't appear to them and demand that they get married to fulfill the mandate in Genesis. Perhaps we get too focused on Adam and Eve, and the Ark, and forget that the Bible contains stories that affirm the value of the single life as well.
Still, loneliness can be a reality in the single life, but perhaps some of it comes from confusing loneliness with the act of being alone. I often tell people in my singles retreats that we won't make good partners for anyone in this life if we can't be a good partner to ourselves first.
If you find that you dread an evening by yourself, make a list of the things that you might do to nurture yourself. That list can include anything that nourishes your mind, body, or soul: browsing your local bookstore, taking a leisurely bath, listening to music, walking, meditating, journaling, enjoying a favorite hobby, going out to a movie or show (yes, you can go out by yourself!). Use that list to make your time alone into restorative time for yourself. We get so little self-care time in this life, and I can guarantee you that anyone who is married, and particularly those with children, would be thrilled to have an evening to attend solely to their own needs. Jesus often went off by himself to pray and escape the demands of others and of the day; it's not a bad model to follow.
Another time that loneliness strikes us can occur when we want a partner in life so deeply that we ignore the wonderful community that surrounds us. There's nothing wrong with the desire for a partner, but focusing exclusively on that rarely brings it about. Humans were created to live in community, so one way to move away from loneliness is to focus on others. It is in giving that we receive, says the prayer of St. Francis. What we will receive we cannot know in advance; this isn't a magic formula. But volunteer your time, pay attention to the needs of family, friends, and colleagues, or give of yourself in any other way that seems appropriate, and see what happens. Let yourself experience the intimacy of friendship and of service to others, rather that putting life on hold until that significant other comes along.
Finally, learn to befriend your loneliness. Think of it as your teacher, and ask it for wisdom. Speak to God about your feelings, and ask to know what this time of loneliness has to teach you. Talk with others about it--friends, clergy persons, spiritual directors, or others--and ask their help and support. As I grappled with loneliness in my new home, and talked with others about it, I realized that I had to live differently if I wanted more connection to others. I was spending too much of my time at work, leaving little time to get the rest I needed in order to have enough energy to go out and make new friends and develop new support systems. My feelings of loneliness in a new environment were kept at bay by working too many hours, which further increased my isolation. By listening to my feelings--as uncomfortable as that was--I discovered that my loneliness had something to teach me about living a more balanced life, one that had time for prayer, friends, and fun, and not just work. Even God took the Sabbath off.
None of this is to say that feelings of isolation, of loneliness, are fun or easily managed. They are real and sometimes very painful. And if they are chronic, you might want to find someone who can help you look at them carefully. But these feelings can be important tools in making changes in your life. They certainly have been so in mine.
Debra Farrington is the author of 'One Like Jesus: Conversations on the Single Life' (Loyola Press) and leads retreats on being single and whole. Her most recent book is 'Living Faith Day by Day,' about the wisdom of monastic traditions.
Showing posts with label community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label community. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Worship and Prayer
Worship and Prayer
Fasting
by Northwestern University students
The Bible defines fasting as a Christian's voluntary abstinence from food for spiritual purposes. Jesus makes it clear that he expects us to fast. In Matthew 6:16 he begins by saying, "When you fast." Also, this teaching about fasting in the Sermon on the Mount directly follows his teaching on giving and praying. It is as if it were assumed that giving, praying and fasting are all part of the Christian devotion.
We cannot use fasting to impress God (or others) or to earn his acceptance. We are made acceptable to God through Jesus' work, not ours. Fasting pointedly reveals the things that control us, whether that be our stomachs, pride, anger, bitterness, jealousy, selfishness, fear--the list goes on. Fasting reminds us that, instead, we are sustained "by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). Food does not sustain us; God sustains us. When the disciples, assuming that he was hungry, brought lunch to Jesus, he said, "I have food to each of which you do not know. . . . My food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work" (John 4:32,34).
Richard Foster writes in Celebration of Discipline:
Therefore, in experiences of fasting we are not so much abstaining from food as we are feasting on the word of God. Fasting is feasting! . . . We are told not to act miserable when fasting because, in point of fact, we are not miserable. We are feeding on God, and just like the Israelites who were sustained in the wilderness by the miraculous manna from heaven, so we are sustained by the word of God.
Fasting does not change God's hearing so much as it changes our praying. There's something about it that sharpens and gives passion to our intercessions. Fasting also makes us more receptive to God's guidance and wisdom. The church in Antioch "fasted and prayed" before they laid their hands on Barnabas and Saul and sent them off on the first missionary journey (Acts 13:3).
There are also many other purposes of fasting such as expressing grief, seeking deliverance or protection, expressing repentance and a return to God, humbling oneself before God, overcoming temptation, expressing love and worship to God, and so on. In all of this, God will reward those who diligently pursue him.
A small group could decide to do a prayer fast together beginning after lunch on a given day. During the dinner hour, the following Bible study could be used.
* Read through Psalm 145 and jot down all the characteristics of God you see in the passage.
* Take some time to praise God for the characteristics in the passage.
* Then read Acts 4. Below are some prayer requests based on that passage.
o Personal: that knowledge of Scripture would grow for God's glory (vv. 8-11), that boldness and courage of Peter and John to speak to friends and neighbors about Christ (vv. 19-20)
o Christian community: that prayer would be the first thing on our minds (v. 24), that the Holy Spirit would shake us to speak the word of God boldly (v. 31), that we would exemplify the community of believers to our community (vv. 32-35)
o Community: that people in our neighborhoods and on our campuses would recognize their sinfulness (v. 10), that people would acknowledge that Jesus is salvation (v. 12), that Jesus would reside in our community (vv. 29-30)
That evening a small group could meet to process the day, discuss what God has taught them and pray together again.
Fasting
by Northwestern University students
The Bible defines fasting as a Christian's voluntary abstinence from food for spiritual purposes. Jesus makes it clear that he expects us to fast. In Matthew 6:16 he begins by saying, "When you fast." Also, this teaching about fasting in the Sermon on the Mount directly follows his teaching on giving and praying. It is as if it were assumed that giving, praying and fasting are all part of the Christian devotion.
We cannot use fasting to impress God (or others) or to earn his acceptance. We are made acceptable to God through Jesus' work, not ours. Fasting pointedly reveals the things that control us, whether that be our stomachs, pride, anger, bitterness, jealousy, selfishness, fear--the list goes on. Fasting reminds us that, instead, we are sustained "by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). Food does not sustain us; God sustains us. When the disciples, assuming that he was hungry, brought lunch to Jesus, he said, "I have food to each of which you do not know. . . . My food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work" (John 4:32,34).
Richard Foster writes in Celebration of Discipline:
Therefore, in experiences of fasting we are not so much abstaining from food as we are feasting on the word of God. Fasting is feasting! . . . We are told not to act miserable when fasting because, in point of fact, we are not miserable. We are feeding on God, and just like the Israelites who were sustained in the wilderness by the miraculous manna from heaven, so we are sustained by the word of God.
Fasting does not change God's hearing so much as it changes our praying. There's something about it that sharpens and gives passion to our intercessions. Fasting also makes us more receptive to God's guidance and wisdom. The church in Antioch "fasted and prayed" before they laid their hands on Barnabas and Saul and sent them off on the first missionary journey (Acts 13:3).
There are also many other purposes of fasting such as expressing grief, seeking deliverance or protection, expressing repentance and a return to God, humbling oneself before God, overcoming temptation, expressing love and worship to God, and so on. In all of this, God will reward those who diligently pursue him.
A small group could decide to do a prayer fast together beginning after lunch on a given day. During the dinner hour, the following Bible study could be used.
* Read through Psalm 145 and jot down all the characteristics of God you see in the passage.
* Take some time to praise God for the characteristics in the passage.
* Then read Acts 4. Below are some prayer requests based on that passage.
o Personal: that knowledge of Scripture would grow for God's glory (vv. 8-11), that boldness and courage of Peter and John to speak to friends and neighbors about Christ (vv. 19-20)
o Christian community: that prayer would be the first thing on our minds (v. 24), that the Holy Spirit would shake us to speak the word of God boldly (v. 31), that we would exemplify the community of believers to our community (vv. 32-35)
o Community: that people in our neighborhoods and on our campuses would recognize their sinfulness (v. 10), that people would acknowledge that Jesus is salvation (v. 12), that Jesus would reside in our community (vv. 29-30)
That evening a small group could meet to process the day, discuss what God has taught them and pray together again.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
When the Conflict Involves You When the Conflict Involves You
The following article is located at:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/whentheconflictinvolvesyou.html
Practical guidelines for leading in a difficult situation.
by Betty Veldman Wieland
Conflict is a normal part of small-group life. In fact, if we don't have conflict, someone is not being honest. People are just too different from one another to avoid it completely.
Personally, I do not like conflict. It makes me feel, well, conflicted! At the same time, I believe that understanding the nature of conflict and being prepared to deal with it as a small-group leader, coach, or staff person is essential for people's spiritual growth and for a small-group ministry to thrive.
The following guidelines have been helpful for me in dealing with conflict, and I hope they can help you as well in your small-group leadership role.
Know How You Deal With Conflict
The old adage, "Physician, heal thyself!" truly applies here. Leaders who understand their own conflict management style approach conflict in an informed way. We all have strengths and weaknesses in dealing with conflict. Whether we will be helpful or a hindrance may depend on our understanding of what we bring to the conflict table.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory is a helpful tool for understanding the various conflict management styles. What is your primary style? Do you compete or collaborate? Do you compromise and accommodate or try to avoid conflict completely? No one style is right for every situation, but understanding your primary response will help to keep conflict in perspective.
I like to avoid conflict. When I confront it, I first look for a compromise. Knowing that about myself has been important when I need to die to my "preferred" conflict management style in order to do what is best for others. I remember well when I needed to confront a small-group leader about talking too much.
I tried tactfully, gently, and indirectly to approach the subject. The leader looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Betty, what are you trying to say to me?" My astonishment at such a direct approach must have been written all over my face because the leader leaned forward, touched my arm and said, "Please, I need to hear this from you. Tell it to me straight."
Adapt to the Other Person
I learned a valuable lesson in the above situation. Though I wanted to avoid conflict, this leader needed me to be direct and confrontational. In dealing with conflict, we need to consider the conflict management style of those we deal with as well as our own style. We need to adapt to the people with whom we are dealing. This does not necessarily mean compromising—though it might—but it means communicating in a manner in which they can understand and relate.
Pray!
This may seem like a no-brainer, but it needs to be underscored. The potential for conflict to be destructive is huge. It is hard to be objective as a leader. We all have biases and personal viewpoints. There is great temptation to defer to our preferred outcome rather than to facilitate an honest confrontation of an issue. It takes being submissive to the Holy Spirit's leading to keep us honest and in tune with what God desires.
Think Gray And Listen
Discerning where God is leading in times of conflict includes reserving judgment until we have all the evidence. It is what The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership calls "thinking gray." Most issues are not black and white. We need to listen carefully—for feelings as well as facts—and to reserve judgment until all parties involved have had a fair hearing. Doing this builds trust. It also gives us the time needed to sense where the Holy Spirit is at work.
Differentiate between Problems and People, Issues and Emotions, Facts and Feelings
The statement, "A problem well-defined is a problem half-solved" is especially true when dealing with conflict. When the focus is on the problem, whether a difference of opinion or perspective, the parties involved can together often reach a compromise or collaborate to come to a better outcome than each would have come to alone. We simply mediate and ask questions to clarify the issue. In such a case, the conflict is substantive and can be positive. It becomes an opportunity for growth and change.
Sometimes, however, the conflict is due to a personality conflict, and emotions run too deep to come to a positive outcome. When people begin attacking people instead of problems, the conflict is affective and, if left unchecked, can be highly destructive.
One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do is remove a volunteer leader from leadership. I did not do so lightly, but it became apparent that the leader in question was using a top-down, authoritative approach to intimidate people into doing what the leader wanted. Those who did not comply were personally undermined, belittled, and discredited. Everyone in the small group was up in arms. When I confronted the leader, I was personally attacked as well.
Be Willing To Take A Stand
When the above happened, I was tempted to apologize and back down. After all, avoidance is my primary conflict management style. However, this was not about me and it was not about the leader in question. It was about the issue at hand and the people affected by the conflict. The leader had supporters who were waiting to see how I would handle what had become a major problem. I needed to carefully and positively address the impasse at hand, to isolate the problem, and to address it without attacking any of the people involved.
Then, I needed to take responsibility for the decision I made. I called a special meeting of all the people involved to explain my decision. The leader chose not to attend. I remember well that a highly-respected member of the group and an advocate for the leader I had removed came and talked with me after the meeting. She admitted she was "loaded for bear" and ready to let me have it for the decision I made. Instead, she thanked me and said, "I have even more respect for you as a leader because of how you handled this situation." No one needed to know the nitty gritty details of the conflict, but everyone needed to know it was handled prayerfully and with integrity, addressing the problem without attacking any person involved in the conflict. We can only do that on our knees.
Look For A Win/Win Solution
I looked desperately for a win/win solution in this situation, but found none because the leader in question could not get beyond blaming others and attacking them personally. In conflict, a win/win is always the solution of choice. It safeguards the dignity of the people involved, respects the diversity that God created, and allows for a difference in perspectives.
Isolating what we can compromise on helps us to be able to hold our ground on those things that are non-negotiable. A win/win requires that both parties seek the good of the other, not just their own. One cannot dig in one's heels and declare, "I'm right and you need to come over to where I am." When that happens, someone loses. Though there may be principles we cannot compromise, there are usually extraneous circumstances that we can. When we can collaborate to come to an even better outcome, that is the best win/win of all.
Leave the Results To God
In the end, we do our best in dealing with conflict and leave the results to God. Not everyone will like us when we mediate conflict. That is the price of leadership. The leader I removed from leadership has never spoken to me again. That is painful for me, but I followed the above steps and did as I believe God directed me. Though the leader may continue to blame me, I have peace in knowing that the group involved benefited from my willingness to make that hard decision. The group itself thrived under new leadership.
Being faithful and obedient to God's call in leadership is the most important part of dealing with conflict. That is what God honors most.
—Betty Veldman Wieland; copyright 2005 by the author and Christianity Today International.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/whentheconflictinvolvesyou.html
Practical guidelines for leading in a difficult situation.
by Betty Veldman Wieland
Conflict is a normal part of small-group life. In fact, if we don't have conflict, someone is not being honest. People are just too different from one another to avoid it completely.
Personally, I do not like conflict. It makes me feel, well, conflicted! At the same time, I believe that understanding the nature of conflict and being prepared to deal with it as a small-group leader, coach, or staff person is essential for people's spiritual growth and for a small-group ministry to thrive.
The following guidelines have been helpful for me in dealing with conflict, and I hope they can help you as well in your small-group leadership role.
Know How You Deal With Conflict
The old adage, "Physician, heal thyself!" truly applies here. Leaders who understand their own conflict management style approach conflict in an informed way. We all have strengths and weaknesses in dealing with conflict. Whether we will be helpful or a hindrance may depend on our understanding of what we bring to the conflict table.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory is a helpful tool for understanding the various conflict management styles. What is your primary style? Do you compete or collaborate? Do you compromise and accommodate or try to avoid conflict completely? No one style is right for every situation, but understanding your primary response will help to keep conflict in perspective.
I like to avoid conflict. When I confront it, I first look for a compromise. Knowing that about myself has been important when I need to die to my "preferred" conflict management style in order to do what is best for others. I remember well when I needed to confront a small-group leader about talking too much.
I tried tactfully, gently, and indirectly to approach the subject. The leader looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Betty, what are you trying to say to me?" My astonishment at such a direct approach must have been written all over my face because the leader leaned forward, touched my arm and said, "Please, I need to hear this from you. Tell it to me straight."
Adapt to the Other Person
I learned a valuable lesson in the above situation. Though I wanted to avoid conflict, this leader needed me to be direct and confrontational. In dealing with conflict, we need to consider the conflict management style of those we deal with as well as our own style. We need to adapt to the people with whom we are dealing. This does not necessarily mean compromising—though it might—but it means communicating in a manner in which they can understand and relate.
Pray!
This may seem like a no-brainer, but it needs to be underscored. The potential for conflict to be destructive is huge. It is hard to be objective as a leader. We all have biases and personal viewpoints. There is great temptation to defer to our preferred outcome rather than to facilitate an honest confrontation of an issue. It takes being submissive to the Holy Spirit's leading to keep us honest and in tune with what God desires.
Think Gray And Listen
Discerning where God is leading in times of conflict includes reserving judgment until we have all the evidence. It is what The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership calls "thinking gray." Most issues are not black and white. We need to listen carefully—for feelings as well as facts—and to reserve judgment until all parties involved have had a fair hearing. Doing this builds trust. It also gives us the time needed to sense where the Holy Spirit is at work.
Differentiate between Problems and People, Issues and Emotions, Facts and Feelings
The statement, "A problem well-defined is a problem half-solved" is especially true when dealing with conflict. When the focus is on the problem, whether a difference of opinion or perspective, the parties involved can together often reach a compromise or collaborate to come to a better outcome than each would have come to alone. We simply mediate and ask questions to clarify the issue. In such a case, the conflict is substantive and can be positive. It becomes an opportunity for growth and change.
Sometimes, however, the conflict is due to a personality conflict, and emotions run too deep to come to a positive outcome. When people begin attacking people instead of problems, the conflict is affective and, if left unchecked, can be highly destructive.
One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do is remove a volunteer leader from leadership. I did not do so lightly, but it became apparent that the leader in question was using a top-down, authoritative approach to intimidate people into doing what the leader wanted. Those who did not comply were personally undermined, belittled, and discredited. Everyone in the small group was up in arms. When I confronted the leader, I was personally attacked as well.
Be Willing To Take A Stand
When the above happened, I was tempted to apologize and back down. After all, avoidance is my primary conflict management style. However, this was not about me and it was not about the leader in question. It was about the issue at hand and the people affected by the conflict. The leader had supporters who were waiting to see how I would handle what had become a major problem. I needed to carefully and positively address the impasse at hand, to isolate the problem, and to address it without attacking any of the people involved.
Then, I needed to take responsibility for the decision I made. I called a special meeting of all the people involved to explain my decision. The leader chose not to attend. I remember well that a highly-respected member of the group and an advocate for the leader I had removed came and talked with me after the meeting. She admitted she was "loaded for bear" and ready to let me have it for the decision I made. Instead, she thanked me and said, "I have even more respect for you as a leader because of how you handled this situation." No one needed to know the nitty gritty details of the conflict, but everyone needed to know it was handled prayerfully and with integrity, addressing the problem without attacking any person involved in the conflict. We can only do that on our knees.
Look For A Win/Win Solution
I looked desperately for a win/win solution in this situation, but found none because the leader in question could not get beyond blaming others and attacking them personally. In conflict, a win/win is always the solution of choice. It safeguards the dignity of the people involved, respects the diversity that God created, and allows for a difference in perspectives.
Isolating what we can compromise on helps us to be able to hold our ground on those things that are non-negotiable. A win/win requires that both parties seek the good of the other, not just their own. One cannot dig in one's heels and declare, "I'm right and you need to come over to where I am." When that happens, someone loses. Though there may be principles we cannot compromise, there are usually extraneous circumstances that we can. When we can collaborate to come to an even better outcome, that is the best win/win of all.
Leave the Results To God
In the end, we do our best in dealing with conflict and leave the results to God. Not everyone will like us when we mediate conflict. That is the price of leadership. The leader I removed from leadership has never spoken to me again. That is painful for me, but I followed the above steps and did as I believe God directed me. Though the leader may continue to blame me, I have peace in knowing that the group involved benefited from my willingness to make that hard decision. The group itself thrived under new leadership.
Being faithful and obedient to God's call in leadership is the most important part of dealing with conflict. That is what God honors most.
—Betty Veldman Wieland; copyright 2005 by the author and Christianity Today International.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
Saturday, September 6, 2008
5 Small-Group Myths
Home bible studies don't always operate by the textbook.
by David A. Womack
After more than four decades of promotion in books, magazines, seminars, and classes, the successes of small-group ministries are few and far between. Among the reasons are:
1. We have few role models, at least in our own culture.
2. The literature on the subject has promoted the idea without offering practical methods.
3. The American concept of home privacy causes such ministries to develop more slowly here than in some countries.
4. Our American style of church leadership does not often encourage lay ministries to develop outside the walls of the sanctuary, beyond the immediate supervision of the pastor.
5. Pastors who decide in favor of home ministries become discouraged when they cannot find specifically prepared Bible study materials. If we want to give direction to the teaching, we must adapt materials created for other purposes—and that's too much work.
Yet we cannot escape the reality that many lay Christians want a small-group experience, and can benefit greatly if the group functions properly. The question is how.
After experience with thousands of home meetings in dozens of churches as a denominational administrator, I think I know why more churches do not have healthy, successful, home programs. We approached the subject without understanding the complicated sociological terrain onto which we had so glibly ventured.
Here are five theories I've had to revise along the way:
Myth 1: Small Groups Are A Wonderful Evangelistic Tool
At first I said, "Home groups are our outreach to the city." But a couple of years later I said, "Home Bible studies contribute to the total outreach of the church. They are not directly evangelistic."
Several years and much experience later, I said, "The evangelistic results of home Bible studies are indirect, for the groups draw from the congregation rather than the neighborhood. Home ministries conserve the results of other evangelistic methods."
Most churches that start new programs have outreach in mind, but they soon become disappointed with the evangelistic results. Churches that are successful with home ministries, I concluded, must do so for their developmental and conservational value, not solely for evangelism.
Then finally it dawned on me: Home Bible studies are a withdrawal from the community into an intimate Christian circle for fellowship and nurture. They are for inreach, not outreach!
Myth 2: Small Groups Unite The Christians In A Neighborhood
Like many churches starting home programs with little advance knowledge, we began by studying the territory and recruiting host homes throughout the community. Then we asked the church people to attend the home fellowship group nearest them.
Obedient as our congregations sometimes are, the plan worked … for about two weeks. After that, people went wherever their friends attended.
People form small groups around centers of common interest; they cluster socio-economically, not geographically. True, home fellowships are brought together by a common interest in the Bible, love for Christ, and dependence on interpersonal support. Yet, many people share those interests without bonding together in clusters. These common bonds would not suffice in themselves to form a particular small group without some additional core of commonality that draws people to one another. At the heart of the small-group phenomenon is interdependence among friends.
This raises the question of cliques in the church. Most of us have preached or heard preaching against church cliques as far back as we can remember. Now we are beginning to understand that cliquing is a natural and desirable gregarious trait that unites a congregation and forms the basis for home ministries. Home Bible studies take advantage of this natural bonding by providing a creative function for friendship groups.
The negative side of this social phenomenon is cliquishness—the temptation to exclude outsiders. Church leaders can avoid this problem by actively encouraging hospitality, posting public invitations to all home groups, and starting new groups as friendship circles develop.
Although home programs are not in themselves evangelistic, they contribute to church growth by strengthening the whole fiber of the congregation. Much as grapes grow in clusters, a church develops by attracting friendship groups around a central stem. Some center of mutual interest binds a congregation together in love and fellowship; but the church is made up of smaller units, each of which is more or less complete in itself.
The force that attracts groups into a church body varies, but it often has something to do with a common ethnic, economic, or social background and lifestyle, a common belief system, and a popular pastor. The larger church learns to cluster smaller groups into its greater whole by providing nourishment, encouragement, identity, and protection.
Myth 3: Bible Study Is The Centerpiece Of A Small Group
In the beginning, I thought people wanted to gather in homes to study the Bible, so I put most of my effort into preparing the lessons. I have learned that people do not come to homes primarily for Bible study.
Rather, they are attracted by their needs for social interaction, the support of caring and sharing friends, and a sense of belonging to a meaningful body of peers. They want a place where they can get good advice and feel free to speak without rejection.
When I realized this, I did the necessary research in small-group dynamics and organized the home meetings to provide for the whole range of needs. Our church's home meetings now have four elements, in this order:
1. Fellowship (conversation and refreshments)
2. Bible Study (a prepared lesson)
3. Self-expression (sharing, exhortation, and prayer requests)
4. Prayer (either individually or as a group)
Myth 4: A Small Group Needs One Strong Leader
The biblical shepherds led their flocks to pasture, but those of today drive the sheep. I soon discovered a similar contrast of leadership styles in home fellowships. Some led out strongly; others nudged around the edges.
Because people need both to hear and be heard, small groups do best with sharing rather than dominant leaders.
The wise shepherd learns to recognize and put bells on certain sheep the flock tends to follow. This keeps the sheep together and simplifies the task of moving the flock from one place to another. Guiding a few bell sheep and thereby leading the whole flock is much better than driving with sheep dogs.
Human nature is competitive, and every relationship includes a factor of leading and following. Whenever we put anyone in charge of anything, we establish a power structure in which a certain amount of struggle for domination will occur. It is not easy to find unthreatened and nonthreatening teachers who will lead without feeling ego-bound to rule.
On this score, I am glad I listened to the advice of Korea's Cho Yonggi, who told me to put two teachers in each home, both equally responsible to the pastor. It was a stroke of genius. Neither feels the group is his or hers to control; both must remain loyal to the church and the program. They simply alternate each week, one teaching and the other leading the rest of the meeting.
Another problem was how to maintain quality with teachers who had little or no previous experience and training. I overcame this by providing recorded weekly lesson outlines and recordings of the lesson. Each week the teacher listens to my thirty-minute lesson and follows along in the Bible and a lesson outline. Then he or she takes the outline to the home meeting. We also have a training manual with an accompanying recording.
The method works well, allowing us to use almost any Christian who will accept the responsibility. In fact, we generally do better with humble people who lack some confidence than with teachers trained in other methods.
Myth 5: Small Groups Multiply By Cell Division
At first I suggested a group should divide when it reached twenty in regular attendance. Well, in the first three years only one group grew that large—and after it divided, only one of the two cells survived. Most groups grew to fourteen or sixteen and stopped.
The idea of church growth by cell division works only on paper. Real groups grow to the size of the available space minus a comfort factor of about 20 percent (to allow for introverts, claustrophobics, and others who resist crowding). In most homes that means a maximum of not more than a dozen people. The concept of growth is not really a goal in small-group dynamics.
So how do we start new groups? The best way is simply to form new groups! Some people will come from other crowded groups, and the new home with its friendship connections will attract its own following. This is a constantly flowing process as some groups flourish, others stabilize, and still others fade for lack of leadership or cohesion. The experiences are as varied as the people who attend.
Truthfully, a home Bible study network is a living thing that comes and goes, expands and contracts as the years go by. We must expect some groups to fade while others flourish. One group in our church has met continuously for five years—mainly because of steady leadership and practical teaching materials. But others have fallen by the wayside. That is why we must never cease starting new groups.
Why Groups Are Worth The Effort
The best lesson of all was when I began noticing that people who regularly participate in home meetings seldom require pastoral counseling. The small group is a caring and sharing environment that provides excellent psychological and spiritual therapy in addition to fellowship and Bible knowledge. The people receive emotional support, Christian advice, and answers to prayer.
The early church did not construct its first church building for 300 years. In the beginning of that period, it used the temple for corporate worship, and after A.D. 300 it began to worship in the Roman basilicas, but its basic meeting places were believers' homes. Those non-threatening, marginally evangelistic, low-profile leadership gatherings accounted for some of history's best church growth.
Like a number of other pastors, I have learned a lot on the twisting, turning road of home ministries. The small groups did not do everything we originally had in mind, but they have surprised us with unexpected success in the maturation and care of our congregations.
That is why I still say with conviction: Every church should be a motivational and training center surrounded by a network of home Bible studies—even if they don't take shape the way you projected in the beginning.
Adapted from an article that first appeared in our sister publication, Leadership journal. David A. Womack is a pastor and author.
by David A. Womack
After more than four decades of promotion in books, magazines, seminars, and classes, the successes of small-group ministries are few and far between. Among the reasons are:
1. We have few role models, at least in our own culture.
2. The literature on the subject has promoted the idea without offering practical methods.
3. The American concept of home privacy causes such ministries to develop more slowly here than in some countries.
4. Our American style of church leadership does not often encourage lay ministries to develop outside the walls of the sanctuary, beyond the immediate supervision of the pastor.
5. Pastors who decide in favor of home ministries become discouraged when they cannot find specifically prepared Bible study materials. If we want to give direction to the teaching, we must adapt materials created for other purposes—and that's too much work.
Yet we cannot escape the reality that many lay Christians want a small-group experience, and can benefit greatly if the group functions properly. The question is how.
After experience with thousands of home meetings in dozens of churches as a denominational administrator, I think I know why more churches do not have healthy, successful, home programs. We approached the subject without understanding the complicated sociological terrain onto which we had so glibly ventured.
Here are five theories I've had to revise along the way:
Myth 1: Small Groups Are A Wonderful Evangelistic Tool
At first I said, "Home groups are our outreach to the city." But a couple of years later I said, "Home Bible studies contribute to the total outreach of the church. They are not directly evangelistic."
Several years and much experience later, I said, "The evangelistic results of home Bible studies are indirect, for the groups draw from the congregation rather than the neighborhood. Home ministries conserve the results of other evangelistic methods."
Most churches that start new programs have outreach in mind, but they soon become disappointed with the evangelistic results. Churches that are successful with home ministries, I concluded, must do so for their developmental and conservational value, not solely for evangelism.
Then finally it dawned on me: Home Bible studies are a withdrawal from the community into an intimate Christian circle for fellowship and nurture. They are for inreach, not outreach!
Myth 2: Small Groups Unite The Christians In A Neighborhood
Like many churches starting home programs with little advance knowledge, we began by studying the territory and recruiting host homes throughout the community. Then we asked the church people to attend the home fellowship group nearest them.
Obedient as our congregations sometimes are, the plan worked … for about two weeks. After that, people went wherever their friends attended.
People form small groups around centers of common interest; they cluster socio-economically, not geographically. True, home fellowships are brought together by a common interest in the Bible, love for Christ, and dependence on interpersonal support. Yet, many people share those interests without bonding together in clusters. These common bonds would not suffice in themselves to form a particular small group without some additional core of commonality that draws people to one another. At the heart of the small-group phenomenon is interdependence among friends.
This raises the question of cliques in the church. Most of us have preached or heard preaching against church cliques as far back as we can remember. Now we are beginning to understand that cliquing is a natural and desirable gregarious trait that unites a congregation and forms the basis for home ministries. Home Bible studies take advantage of this natural bonding by providing a creative function for friendship groups.
The negative side of this social phenomenon is cliquishness—the temptation to exclude outsiders. Church leaders can avoid this problem by actively encouraging hospitality, posting public invitations to all home groups, and starting new groups as friendship circles develop.
Although home programs are not in themselves evangelistic, they contribute to church growth by strengthening the whole fiber of the congregation. Much as grapes grow in clusters, a church develops by attracting friendship groups around a central stem. Some center of mutual interest binds a congregation together in love and fellowship; but the church is made up of smaller units, each of which is more or less complete in itself.
The force that attracts groups into a church body varies, but it often has something to do with a common ethnic, economic, or social background and lifestyle, a common belief system, and a popular pastor. The larger church learns to cluster smaller groups into its greater whole by providing nourishment, encouragement, identity, and protection.
Myth 3: Bible Study Is The Centerpiece Of A Small Group
In the beginning, I thought people wanted to gather in homes to study the Bible, so I put most of my effort into preparing the lessons. I have learned that people do not come to homes primarily for Bible study.
Rather, they are attracted by their needs for social interaction, the support of caring and sharing friends, and a sense of belonging to a meaningful body of peers. They want a place where they can get good advice and feel free to speak without rejection.
When I realized this, I did the necessary research in small-group dynamics and organized the home meetings to provide for the whole range of needs. Our church's home meetings now have four elements, in this order:
1. Fellowship (conversation and refreshments)
2. Bible Study (a prepared lesson)
3. Self-expression (sharing, exhortation, and prayer requests)
4. Prayer (either individually or as a group)
Myth 4: A Small Group Needs One Strong Leader
The biblical shepherds led their flocks to pasture, but those of today drive the sheep. I soon discovered a similar contrast of leadership styles in home fellowships. Some led out strongly; others nudged around the edges.
Because people need both to hear and be heard, small groups do best with sharing rather than dominant leaders.
The wise shepherd learns to recognize and put bells on certain sheep the flock tends to follow. This keeps the sheep together and simplifies the task of moving the flock from one place to another. Guiding a few bell sheep and thereby leading the whole flock is much better than driving with sheep dogs.
Human nature is competitive, and every relationship includes a factor of leading and following. Whenever we put anyone in charge of anything, we establish a power structure in which a certain amount of struggle for domination will occur. It is not easy to find unthreatened and nonthreatening teachers who will lead without feeling ego-bound to rule.
On this score, I am glad I listened to the advice of Korea's Cho Yonggi, who told me to put two teachers in each home, both equally responsible to the pastor. It was a stroke of genius. Neither feels the group is his or hers to control; both must remain loyal to the church and the program. They simply alternate each week, one teaching and the other leading the rest of the meeting.
Another problem was how to maintain quality with teachers who had little or no previous experience and training. I overcame this by providing recorded weekly lesson outlines and recordings of the lesson. Each week the teacher listens to my thirty-minute lesson and follows along in the Bible and a lesson outline. Then he or she takes the outline to the home meeting. We also have a training manual with an accompanying recording.
The method works well, allowing us to use almost any Christian who will accept the responsibility. In fact, we generally do better with humble people who lack some confidence than with teachers trained in other methods.
Myth 5: Small Groups Multiply By Cell Division
At first I suggested a group should divide when it reached twenty in regular attendance. Well, in the first three years only one group grew that large—and after it divided, only one of the two cells survived. Most groups grew to fourteen or sixteen and stopped.
The idea of church growth by cell division works only on paper. Real groups grow to the size of the available space minus a comfort factor of about 20 percent (to allow for introverts, claustrophobics, and others who resist crowding). In most homes that means a maximum of not more than a dozen people. The concept of growth is not really a goal in small-group dynamics.
So how do we start new groups? The best way is simply to form new groups! Some people will come from other crowded groups, and the new home with its friendship connections will attract its own following. This is a constantly flowing process as some groups flourish, others stabilize, and still others fade for lack of leadership or cohesion. The experiences are as varied as the people who attend.
Truthfully, a home Bible study network is a living thing that comes and goes, expands and contracts as the years go by. We must expect some groups to fade while others flourish. One group in our church has met continuously for five years—mainly because of steady leadership and practical teaching materials. But others have fallen by the wayside. That is why we must never cease starting new groups.
Why Groups Are Worth The Effort
The best lesson of all was when I began noticing that people who regularly participate in home meetings seldom require pastoral counseling. The small group is a caring and sharing environment that provides excellent psychological and spiritual therapy in addition to fellowship and Bible knowledge. The people receive emotional support, Christian advice, and answers to prayer.
The early church did not construct its first church building for 300 years. In the beginning of that period, it used the temple for corporate worship, and after A.D. 300 it began to worship in the Roman basilicas, but its basic meeting places were believers' homes. Those non-threatening, marginally evangelistic, low-profile leadership gatherings accounted for some of history's best church growth.
Like a number of other pastors, I have learned a lot on the twisting, turning road of home ministries. The small groups did not do everything we originally had in mind, but they have surprised us with unexpected success in the maturation and care of our congregations.
That is why I still say with conviction: Every church should be a motivational and training center surrounded by a network of home Bible studies—even if they don't take shape the way you projected in the beginning.
Adapted from an article that first appeared in our sister publication, Leadership journal. David A. Womack is a pastor and author.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
The following article is located at:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/dividinggroupsisdumb.html
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
A common sense look at a highly debated principle of small-group life.
by Larry Osborne
Dividing small groups is a dumb idea.
I know. Dumb is a strong word. But now that I've got your attention, let's see if you don't come to the same conclusion after we've looked more closely at this strategy's underlying rationale and unintended consequences.
For decades it's been an unquestioned canon within the small-group movement that healthy groups multiply by continually growing and splitting into new groups. Groups that stay together too long are considered stagnant. Those that fail to aggressively add new members are written off as uncommitted to the Great Commission. Any group that insists on remaining together gets tagged as selfish.
Admittedly, dividing to multiply is an idea that looks good on paper. It sounds great at leadership conferences. It's organic, mirroring the cellular growth of the human body. It offers the potential for unlimited kingdom expansion. It encourages people to reach out to the lost. It forces new leaders to step up and take the reins.
No wonder most small group gurus, church consultants, and pastors with a passion for evangelism and church growth swear by the concept.
But what about those who are in a small group? Fact is, they tend to see it differently—very differently. They generally hate the idea. They don't swear by it. They swear at it.
If you don't believe me, start asking people in churches where small groups are pressured to multiply by dividing. Ask them what they think of the empty chair they're supposed to fill during each session, and the expectation that they'll help grow the church by growing and then dividing their group.
Except for pastors, staff members, and church leaders who are professionally responsible for the growth of the church, you'll find that hardly anyone thinks it's a good idea—especially those who are fortunate enough to find a group filled with significant relationships. To most of them it makes no sense at all. After finally finding some people with whom they've closely connected, they don't want to split up and roll the relational dice once again.
It's too risky. It's painful. It's even a little bit cruel.
I've asked many of these folks why they don't simply dig in their heels and say no.
Some tell me they have, only to be written off as uncooperative and spiritually self-centered. Others tell me they've tried to raise their concerns but no one seems to listen. Most tell me they don't want to be branded as unspiritual or selfish, so they shrug their shoulders and go along with the program or quietly drop out at the first opportunity.
While many church leaders are quick to chalk up such responses as spiritually immature, shortsighted, or indicative of a lack of commitment to the larger cause of Christ, I think that's a mistake. It's not that these people are resistant to the Great Commission or don't want their churches to grow. It's simply that for many of them, their small group is the first time they've experienced the authentic and transparent relationships they've always been told Christians should have with one another. It's understandable they're reluctant to let it go. They know the odds of finding it right away in another group aren't too high.
Unintended Consequences
Actually, dividing to multiply can (and often does) work in the short run. But it usually takes only a couple of cycles before the process starts to lose steam and then stalls out. Trying to multiply a small group ministry by division is a lot like bulking up on steroids. After an initial burst of newfound strength and muscle, the unintended consequences start to show up. And when they do, it isn't pretty.
That's one of the major reasons why so many small group ministries built on this pattern seem to go through a significant re-visioning or re-engineering every three to five years. Not realizing the negative effects of continually dividing their groups, churches keep retooling them with the latest hot curriculum, new idea, or novel structure, only to do it again a few years later.
Here are just a few of the most significant problems that dividing to multiply creates.
Relational Overload
I like to say that people are a lot like Legos. Some of us have lots of connectors; some have few. But once those connectors are filled, our capacity for close and significant relationships is maxed out.
We're friendly, but we don't connect. We can't. We're already relationally full.
Small-group ministries that continually divide their existing groups to form new groups ignore this principle. It's inevitable that after a few cycles of splitting healthy groups, the quality of the relationships within the new groups starts to dissipate. That's because members who agree to keep spinning off into new groups have fewer and fewer connectors available with the start of each new group. They may have plenty of physical openings in their group, but they usually have few if any emotional openings in their lives.
The result is a predictable clash of expectations. The newest members join hoping to develop significant relationships. But most of the holdovers aren't looking to fill a relational vacuum. They just want a Bible study with a few new friends. That explains why those who join a group in which half or more of the members come from a previously existing group so often complain that the group is a bit cliquish and hard to break into. In most cases the problem isn't cliquishness. It's a differing set of relational needs, expectations, and capacities.
Certainly, there are some people who are adept at quickly jettisoning old relationships and adding new ones to their inner circle. Like social butterflies, they thrive in an environment of constantly changing relationships. But most of us aren't very good at it. And most of us have no desire to become good at it.
A Lesson from Camp Pendleton
Another unintended consequence of expecting groups to continually divide and multiply for the good of the cause is that it eventually leads to shallower, not deeper, relationships across the board.
When relationships are predictably transitional, most of us instinctively find ways to avoid or lessen the pain of separation. It's human nature. Our church is near a marine base known as Camp Pendleton. Thousands of military families live on base and nearby. Typically, the military moves these families every three years or so, often from West Coast to East Coast. Some families thrive on it. They love the adventure. Others struggle with it. They hate the constant disruption and inability to put down roots.
But I've noticed something that both groups have in common. After a couple of cross-country moves, they learn to keep new relationships at a safe distance. It's not that they aren't friendly. They are. But they also know it won't be long until it's time to pick up and move again. So rather than set themselves up to be hurt too badly when the time comes to say good-bye, they tend to keep most relationships at arm's length—close but not too close. It hurts less that way.
In much the same way, church members who repeatedly experience the death of their small group to start a new group begin to operate in a self-protective mode. They learn to keep relationships at a safe level—one that won't cause them too much hurt when the group disbands.
Mayberry in San Diego
The high mobility of our society has created a culture without roots. The size of our cities, communities, and social institutions (today's midsized church would have been considered huge throughout most of history) has created a culture of anonymity. Combine rootlessness with anonymity, and we have an environment in which significant long-term relationships are hard to come by—even for Christians well connected within their church.
Yet the New Testament assumes we are living out our faith in the context of relationships that are close enough to carry out the 30-plus "one anothers" it commands. What to do? No worry. Small groups will ride to the rescue. At least that's the rhetoric.
In most churches, when small groups are first launched, they're sold as the panacea for the isolation and rootlessness so many of us feel—the perfect tool to provide true community and authentic relationships. We're told they'll make it harder to hide and pretend, while at the same time providing a place for genuine acceptance and the relational stability we intuitively long for.
And for those who try out small groups, this is not just rhetoric. It's fact. They actually work that way.
But when ministry leaders convince people to join a small group to counteract the relational bankruptcy of our culture, and then immediately turn around and tell them that if they love Jesus, they'll split the group right after it jells, the leaders are sending a mixed message at best, a dishonest one at worst.
Either people need the relational stability and deep relationships of a small group or they don't. Church leaders can't have it both ways, pushing people into groups to overcome the ills of a transient, impersonal society and then asking them to ditch the solution not long after it starts to work, just to grow the church larger.
At North Coast church, where I serve as senior pastor, we decided at the beginning that our sermon-based small groups would hold to their original purpose of creating significant and sticky relationships. So rather than ask healthy groups to divide, we not only allow them to stay together as long as they like; we encourage it.
Some have been together for decades. Contrary to what many would predict, they haven't grown stale. But their members have grown older together with a dignity and beauty reminiscent of a time when communities had stability and people had roots.
To me, that's a good thing. If you ask them, it's a great thing.
For more information about the Sticky Church book and conference, October 6 & 7 visit www.StickyChurch.com.
—Larry Osborne; excerpted from Sticky Church, copyright 2008 by Zondervan. Used with permission.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/dividinggroupsisdumb.html
Why Dividing Small Groups Is a Dumb Idea
A common sense look at a highly debated principle of small-group life.
by Larry Osborne
Dividing small groups is a dumb idea.
I know. Dumb is a strong word. But now that I've got your attention, let's see if you don't come to the same conclusion after we've looked more closely at this strategy's underlying rationale and unintended consequences.
For decades it's been an unquestioned canon within the small-group movement that healthy groups multiply by continually growing and splitting into new groups. Groups that stay together too long are considered stagnant. Those that fail to aggressively add new members are written off as uncommitted to the Great Commission. Any group that insists on remaining together gets tagged as selfish.
Admittedly, dividing to multiply is an idea that looks good on paper. It sounds great at leadership conferences. It's organic, mirroring the cellular growth of the human body. It offers the potential for unlimited kingdom expansion. It encourages people to reach out to the lost. It forces new leaders to step up and take the reins.
No wonder most small group gurus, church consultants, and pastors with a passion for evangelism and church growth swear by the concept.
But what about those who are in a small group? Fact is, they tend to see it differently—very differently. They generally hate the idea. They don't swear by it. They swear at it.
If you don't believe me, start asking people in churches where small groups are pressured to multiply by dividing. Ask them what they think of the empty chair they're supposed to fill during each session, and the expectation that they'll help grow the church by growing and then dividing their group.
Except for pastors, staff members, and church leaders who are professionally responsible for the growth of the church, you'll find that hardly anyone thinks it's a good idea—especially those who are fortunate enough to find a group filled with significant relationships. To most of them it makes no sense at all. After finally finding some people with whom they've closely connected, they don't want to split up and roll the relational dice once again.
It's too risky. It's painful. It's even a little bit cruel.
I've asked many of these folks why they don't simply dig in their heels and say no.
Some tell me they have, only to be written off as uncooperative and spiritually self-centered. Others tell me they've tried to raise their concerns but no one seems to listen. Most tell me they don't want to be branded as unspiritual or selfish, so they shrug their shoulders and go along with the program or quietly drop out at the first opportunity.
While many church leaders are quick to chalk up such responses as spiritually immature, shortsighted, or indicative of a lack of commitment to the larger cause of Christ, I think that's a mistake. It's not that these people are resistant to the Great Commission or don't want their churches to grow. It's simply that for many of them, their small group is the first time they've experienced the authentic and transparent relationships they've always been told Christians should have with one another. It's understandable they're reluctant to let it go. They know the odds of finding it right away in another group aren't too high.
Unintended Consequences
Actually, dividing to multiply can (and often does) work in the short run. But it usually takes only a couple of cycles before the process starts to lose steam and then stalls out. Trying to multiply a small group ministry by division is a lot like bulking up on steroids. After an initial burst of newfound strength and muscle, the unintended consequences start to show up. And when they do, it isn't pretty.
That's one of the major reasons why so many small group ministries built on this pattern seem to go through a significant re-visioning or re-engineering every three to five years. Not realizing the negative effects of continually dividing their groups, churches keep retooling them with the latest hot curriculum, new idea, or novel structure, only to do it again a few years later.
Here are just a few of the most significant problems that dividing to multiply creates.
Relational Overload
I like to say that people are a lot like Legos. Some of us have lots of connectors; some have few. But once those connectors are filled, our capacity for close and significant relationships is maxed out.
We're friendly, but we don't connect. We can't. We're already relationally full.
Small-group ministries that continually divide their existing groups to form new groups ignore this principle. It's inevitable that after a few cycles of splitting healthy groups, the quality of the relationships within the new groups starts to dissipate. That's because members who agree to keep spinning off into new groups have fewer and fewer connectors available with the start of each new group. They may have plenty of physical openings in their group, but they usually have few if any emotional openings in their lives.
The result is a predictable clash of expectations. The newest members join hoping to develop significant relationships. But most of the holdovers aren't looking to fill a relational vacuum. They just want a Bible study with a few new friends. That explains why those who join a group in which half or more of the members come from a previously existing group so often complain that the group is a bit cliquish and hard to break into. In most cases the problem isn't cliquishness. It's a differing set of relational needs, expectations, and capacities.
Certainly, there are some people who are adept at quickly jettisoning old relationships and adding new ones to their inner circle. Like social butterflies, they thrive in an environment of constantly changing relationships. But most of us aren't very good at it. And most of us have no desire to become good at it.
A Lesson from Camp Pendleton
Another unintended consequence of expecting groups to continually divide and multiply for the good of the cause is that it eventually leads to shallower, not deeper, relationships across the board.
When relationships are predictably transitional, most of us instinctively find ways to avoid or lessen the pain of separation. It's human nature. Our church is near a marine base known as Camp Pendleton. Thousands of military families live on base and nearby. Typically, the military moves these families every three years or so, often from West Coast to East Coast. Some families thrive on it. They love the adventure. Others struggle with it. They hate the constant disruption and inability to put down roots.
But I've noticed something that both groups have in common. After a couple of cross-country moves, they learn to keep new relationships at a safe distance. It's not that they aren't friendly. They are. But they also know it won't be long until it's time to pick up and move again. So rather than set themselves up to be hurt too badly when the time comes to say good-bye, they tend to keep most relationships at arm's length—close but not too close. It hurts less that way.
In much the same way, church members who repeatedly experience the death of their small group to start a new group begin to operate in a self-protective mode. They learn to keep relationships at a safe level—one that won't cause them too much hurt when the group disbands.
Mayberry in San Diego
The high mobility of our society has created a culture without roots. The size of our cities, communities, and social institutions (today's midsized church would have been considered huge throughout most of history) has created a culture of anonymity. Combine rootlessness with anonymity, and we have an environment in which significant long-term relationships are hard to come by—even for Christians well connected within their church.
Yet the New Testament assumes we are living out our faith in the context of relationships that are close enough to carry out the 30-plus "one anothers" it commands. What to do? No worry. Small groups will ride to the rescue. At least that's the rhetoric.
In most churches, when small groups are first launched, they're sold as the panacea for the isolation and rootlessness so many of us feel—the perfect tool to provide true community and authentic relationships. We're told they'll make it harder to hide and pretend, while at the same time providing a place for genuine acceptance and the relational stability we intuitively long for.
And for those who try out small groups, this is not just rhetoric. It's fact. They actually work that way.
But when ministry leaders convince people to join a small group to counteract the relational bankruptcy of our culture, and then immediately turn around and tell them that if they love Jesus, they'll split the group right after it jells, the leaders are sending a mixed message at best, a dishonest one at worst.
Either people need the relational stability and deep relationships of a small group or they don't. Church leaders can't have it both ways, pushing people into groups to overcome the ills of a transient, impersonal society and then asking them to ditch the solution not long after it starts to work, just to grow the church larger.
At North Coast church, where I serve as senior pastor, we decided at the beginning that our sermon-based small groups would hold to their original purpose of creating significant and sticky relationships. So rather than ask healthy groups to divide, we not only allow them to stay together as long as they like; we encourage it.
Some have been together for decades. Contrary to what many would predict, they haven't grown stale. But their members have grown older together with a dignity and beauty reminiscent of a time when communities had stability and people had roots.
To me, that's a good thing. If you ask them, it's a great thing.
For more information about the Sticky Church book and conference, October 6 & 7 visit www.StickyChurch.com.
—Larry Osborne; excerpted from Sticky Church, copyright 2008 by Zondervan. Used with permission.
Christianity Today International
www.ChristianityToday.com
Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today International
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Why Listening Makes a Difference
Going beyond the act of hearing can bring a load of blessings to your small group.
by Janet McMahon
Several years ago I found myself in a small group of women that met on Saturday mornings. These were women I had known for a while; they were friends of mine. The group had a simple format—we would read a few verses from the Bible, read a meditation, and then ask the same three questions every week.
I had been a part of many small groups before, and I was expecting all of the usual good stuff—sharing, friendship, fun, and so on. But something unusual was going on with this group. It was different. I felt like I was going to be challenged. I felt like I was going to change. This made me a little nervous, but very excited, and I looked forward to the next meeting.
When Saturday rolled around again, I found myself eagerly anticipating what would be shared and discovered in the group. I walked away from that meeting with new insights about my spiritual growth, but again there was something different. Something more. I began to believe that this group would be the catalyst for some real growth and life change for me.
By this time I was more than curious, and I thought hard about what that difference could be. Was it that these women were special? Was it that they were already friends of mine? No, I had been in groups with lots of very special people, and I had been in groups with lots of very good friends.
By the end of the third group meeting, I was starting to get a handle on the answer. There was something different, after all—something that I now believe is key to making small groups work.
The Art of Listening
As one of the women began to share something that had happened in her week, I looked around and noticed that they other women were all listening—really listening. They were more focused and listened more intently then I was used to from other group experiences. They were not giving her advice. They were not relating her story to theirs. They were not saying things to help her feel better. They were just listening. They listened, and she felt understood and heard.
Once I had my answer, I wanted to listen like that. I wanted to listen so intently that others felt truly heard and understood. As I've grown in this area, I've learned that listening is more than a skill. It's an art. And when done well, listening is an art that really can change people's lives. But it's not something that most people are naturally good at. In fact, the opposite is true.
In his book Making Small Groups Work, Henry Cloud says: "A big part of the problem is that we think listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. And once we know what they have said, we feel the permission to tell them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. From a facilitator's perspective, that is not listening. It is just waiting your turn."
As a leader or facilitator, how often do you find yourself "waiting your turn" to talk? But it doesn't have to be that way. When you as a leader model the art of good listening, you set the tone for good listening in the entire group.
The Benefits of Listening
When we listen well, we offer several positive experiences for our group members:
* Validation. According to Cloud, validation happens when a person's reality has been seen as real and true for him. In other words, a group leader can validate a member by acknowledging that what he expressed is real and true for him. That doesn't mean we agree with the person. That doesn't mean we try to fix the person or make the situation better. That doesn't mean we quickly give advice. After all, Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame."
* Empathy. Dr. Cloud writes, "Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his experience and reality." To empathize means to listen for the feeling behind what is being shared, and then to simply reflect back what you have heard. And that's the important part when it comes to small groups. You have to be able to express "I hear you saying … " without adding a lot of spiritual meaning or connections or advice.
* Understanding. Finally, when we're listening well, we seek to understand the person speaking. That means we have to intentionally keep our focus off ourselves. How many small-group leaders are tempted to respond to a moment of transparency by relating personal experiences from their own lives? But doing so takes the focus away from the person who just shared. Instead, we need to encourage more sharing so that we—and the rest of the group—can better understand. So ask questions that draw out more information. "What else happened?" or "Is there more?"
by Janet McMahon
Several years ago I found myself in a small group of women that met on Saturday mornings. These were women I had known for a while; they were friends of mine. The group had a simple format—we would read a few verses from the Bible, read a meditation, and then ask the same three questions every week.
I had been a part of many small groups before, and I was expecting all of the usual good stuff—sharing, friendship, fun, and so on. But something unusual was going on with this group. It was different. I felt like I was going to be challenged. I felt like I was going to change. This made me a little nervous, but very excited, and I looked forward to the next meeting.
When Saturday rolled around again, I found myself eagerly anticipating what would be shared and discovered in the group. I walked away from that meeting with new insights about my spiritual growth, but again there was something different. Something more. I began to believe that this group would be the catalyst for some real growth and life change for me.
By this time I was more than curious, and I thought hard about what that difference could be. Was it that these women were special? Was it that they were already friends of mine? No, I had been in groups with lots of very special people, and I had been in groups with lots of very good friends.
By the end of the third group meeting, I was starting to get a handle on the answer. There was something different, after all—something that I now believe is key to making small groups work.
The Art of Listening
As one of the women began to share something that had happened in her week, I looked around and noticed that they other women were all listening—really listening. They were more focused and listened more intently then I was used to from other group experiences. They were not giving her advice. They were not relating her story to theirs. They were not saying things to help her feel better. They were just listening. They listened, and she felt understood and heard.
Once I had my answer, I wanted to listen like that. I wanted to listen so intently that others felt truly heard and understood. As I've grown in this area, I've learned that listening is more than a skill. It's an art. And when done well, listening is an art that really can change people's lives. But it's not something that most people are naturally good at. In fact, the opposite is true.
In his book Making Small Groups Work, Henry Cloud says: "A big part of the problem is that we think listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. And once we know what they have said, we feel the permission to tell them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. From a facilitator's perspective, that is not listening. It is just waiting your turn."
As a leader or facilitator, how often do you find yourself "waiting your turn" to talk? But it doesn't have to be that way. When you as a leader model the art of good listening, you set the tone for good listening in the entire group.
The Benefits of Listening
When we listen well, we offer several positive experiences for our group members:
* Validation. According to Cloud, validation happens when a person's reality has been seen as real and true for him. In other words, a group leader can validate a member by acknowledging that what he expressed is real and true for him. That doesn't mean we agree with the person. That doesn't mean we try to fix the person or make the situation better. That doesn't mean we quickly give advice. After all, Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame."
* Empathy. Dr. Cloud writes, "Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his experience and reality." To empathize means to listen for the feeling behind what is being shared, and then to simply reflect back what you have heard. And that's the important part when it comes to small groups. You have to be able to express "I hear you saying … " without adding a lot of spiritual meaning or connections or advice.
* Understanding. Finally, when we're listening well, we seek to understand the person speaking. That means we have to intentionally keep our focus off ourselves. How many small-group leaders are tempted to respond to a moment of transparency by relating personal experiences from their own lives? But doing so takes the focus away from the person who just shared. Instead, we need to encourage more sharing so that we—and the rest of the group—can better understand. So ask questions that draw out more information. "What else happened?" or "Is there more?"
Monday, August 11, 2008
Warming Up to God- CGL bag of tricks
Share with the group on what's your favorite section of the newspaper.
Many today "read" or "receive" God's word like an illiterate man "reads" the newspaper. They can pick out a few words here and there, and they can certainly look at the pictures. They can sit with an open newspaper, enjoy themselves to some degree, and appear to be reading. But the true content really escapes them.
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Describe an experience you have had in driving rain, a snowstorm or some other natural disaster in which you knew that God was present with you.
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Community
Just save one
by Tom Sirinides
Pass around a bowl of colored candies (M & Ms, Reese's Pieces, Skittles). Tell people to eat as many as they want, but to save one piece. After everyone has only one piece, announce a "question to answer" for each color. For example:
red - Tell about a happy day in your life.
green - Someplace you'd like to visit and why.
yellow - Someone you'd like to meet, and why.
orange - Three traits you'd like in a spouse.
brown - A movie you enjoyed and why.
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Create a brief list of your resources, skills, funds, time, energy and possessions. Bring this list to God in a prayer of thanks. What decisions do you have about using these assets that may lead you out of your comfort zone? Meditate on God's character as it relates to these decisions.
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Ask each person to tell about someone who has had a significant impact on his or her life (for good, for bad, in whatever area they choose).
Ask "Who was your hero as a child?" Or ask "Who was your favorite TV character as a child?" Or ask about favorite cartoon characters.
Reflect on the friend who has been most encouraging in your spiritual journey. Use single words to characterize your relationship with that person.
Tell the group something about yourself that they'd never think to ask you about.
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Examining your conscience
by St. Ignatius of Loyola
In The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius we find a five point method for "the daily examination of conscience" in prayer. This can be used in your group and you can challenge one another to keep this discipline personally.
I thank you _______________________________________.
I need you ________________________________________.
I love you ________________________________________.
I am sorry ________________________________________.
Stay with me, Lord!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
I've Never
by Tom Sirinides
Give each person ten beans (or ten pennies, or just have them hold up their ten fingers!). The first player makes a statement, like "I've never seen the ocean," or "I've never left the USA." (It must be a true statement.) Any player who has done that thing (that is, seen the ocean, left the USA) loses one bean or penny or puts down one finger. Continue around the circle until only one person has any beans, pennies, raised fingers left.
Many today "read" or "receive" God's word like an illiterate man "reads" the newspaper. They can pick out a few words here and there, and they can certainly look at the pictures. They can sit with an open newspaper, enjoy themselves to some degree, and appear to be reading. But the true content really escapes them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe an experience you have had in driving rain, a snowstorm or some other natural disaster in which you knew that God was present with you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
Just save one
by Tom Sirinides
Pass around a bowl of colored candies (M & Ms, Reese's Pieces, Skittles). Tell people to eat as many as they want, but to save one piece. After everyone has only one piece, announce a "question to answer" for each color. For example:
red - Tell about a happy day in your life.
green - Someplace you'd like to visit and why.
yellow - Someone you'd like to meet, and why.
orange - Three traits you'd like in a spouse.
brown - A movie you enjoyed and why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Create a brief list of your resources, skills, funds, time, energy and possessions. Bring this list to God in a prayer of thanks. What decisions do you have about using these assets that may lead you out of your comfort zone? Meditate on God's character as it relates to these decisions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask each person to tell about someone who has had a significant impact on his or her life (for good, for bad, in whatever area they choose).
Ask "Who was your hero as a child?" Or ask "Who was your favorite TV character as a child?" Or ask about favorite cartoon characters.
Reflect on the friend who has been most encouraging in your spiritual journey. Use single words to characterize your relationship with that person.
Tell the group something about yourself that they'd never think to ask you about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Examining your conscience
by St. Ignatius of Loyola
In The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius we find a five point method for "the daily examination of conscience" in prayer. This can be used in your group and you can challenge one another to keep this discipline personally.
I thank you _______________________________________.
I need you ________________________________________.
I love you ________________________________________.
I am sorry ________________________________________.
Stay with me, Lord!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Community
I've Never
by Tom Sirinides
Give each person ten beans (or ten pennies, or just have them hold up their ten fingers!). The first player makes a statement, like "I've never seen the ocean," or "I've never left the USA." (It must be a true statement.) Any player who has done that thing (that is, seen the ocean, left the USA) loses one bean or penny or puts down one finger. Continue around the circle until only one person has any beans, pennies, raised fingers left.
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